I woke up really early, as I do most days now. And had super weird dreams, as I do most nights now.
After breakfast, I was really tired, so I had a nap for a bit.
As I was falling asleep, I was alone with my thoughts, which is always the most dangerous time. I ended up thinking loads about my ex, how much I still love him, and generally remembering our relationship, which made me sad.
I really didn’t feel that motivated once I woke up. I still felt pretty down in the dumps. But eventually I got out of my pit, and played the keyboard for a bit.
The books that I am playing from have not aged well.
They were initially published in Cincinnati OH in 1940, and some of the songs and illustrations are racist AF. There are loads of little characters drawn with black faces (almost like a Golliwog), songs about picking cotton, and a song called ‘In A Rickshaw’ with a stereotype man drawn next to it, just to give a few examples.
It makes me cringe a bit, but it’s a really good basic learning course!! And I’m definitely getting better, which is greatly satisfying.
I didn’t really want to, but when my Mum went for a walk at 5PM I went with her, because I thought it might do me some good.
Mentally, it did. We talked a lot about Buddhism and how I’m feeling and stuff. But my hay fever was absolutely savage.
I had the whole works – itchy throat, itchy ears, itchy eyes, and uncontrollable sneezing.
Before dinner, we had some charcuterie meat, but this week my mum had separated it out on to a plate. They said they didn’t want a repeat of last Sunday, and we had a bit of a laugh about it.
After dinner, we watched an episode of ‘Paddington’. So much rail drama!
My favourite bit was when a passenger did a shit on one of the train seats, so they had to close down three whole carriages of a seven carriage train.
After dinner, I’d noticed in a magazine on the kitchen table that some ballets were streaming old performances on their websites, and it occurred to me that there are probably tonnes of ballets to watch on YouTube.
My absolute favourite is ‘Swan Lake’ (I know, I’m such a basic ballet bitch). I’ve seen it at the theatre a couple of times. It’s by far the most technically demanding ballet, it’s got a good story, and the music that Tchaikovsky composed is beautiful.
I found a version by The Kirov Ballet that was filmed in 1990. The beauty of ballet though is that it is timeless, so it doesn’t matter at all when it was performed.
It was incredible.
It was two hours, and I was completely absorbed. I absolutely loved it, and will definitely be watching more. I plan to watch ‘The Nutcracker’ next.
Pissed me off though that it was the modern ‘happy’ ending as opposed to the double suicide. I don’t think you should mess with sad endings to make them happy. I don’t really like happy endings at all tbh. It’s all a bit too contrived. Things rarely have a perfect ending, so why paint the world that way?
I was feeling pretty good, so I decided to halve my sleeping pill dosage. I’ve taken them for nearly 4 months now, so I’m keen to try and get off them above anything else ASAP.
A bit of progress.