28/05/20 – When the pheasant fucked up my day

I was woken at 6AM by a bastard pheasant clucking in the garden. It was rhythmical and squawky, like an alarm clock, and I just couldn’t sleep through it.

It messed up my whole day.

I managed to get back to sleep for a bit, woke up and had some breakfast, but then went back to bed for a nap.

As I was lying there, I started to think about how to best move forward, and I just couldn’t see it. I have such a negative effect on everyone around me that it would be better if I just disappeared.

Before I knew it, I was fantasising about my suicide.
And that’s the key word – fantasising.
I thought about things I would write in my note, where I would do it, how I would do it…

I remembered that I had all of my medication underneath my bed, and there was a part of me that kept saying ‘Just do it, do it now, there’s no point in drawing this out’, but I didn’t.

When I woke up, I felt a little better.
The thoughts were just those – thoughts.
I let my mind wander too far.
But ultimately, I let my mind wander to a place where I realised that it wasn’t a good idea, which I guess is a positive thing?
I know how many people it would hurt.

When I went downstairs, my Mum had been out to see her best friend (in her garden, cuz lockdown). She has just got a new puppy. My Mum showed me pictures, and she looks adorable. She said that her friend says I have an open invitation to go over any time and play with the puppy in the garden both to help her get socialised, and my mental health. So that’s something to look forward to.

I didn’t really do much with my day. No ballet, no keyboard, just Netflix and games on my tablet.
I felt pretty fragile from the morning, which I knew was a result of my rude awakening by that fucking pheasant.

I had decided to write, because I hadn’t for days, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that I was in too much of a negative headspace, which was fair enough, but I still felt like a bit of a failure for not achieving my goal.
Also, I wasn’t sure how to write up the disagreements that I’d had with my parents. I am aware that they read this blog, and I didn’t want to upset them in any way. I considered not writing about it at all, but that’s not what my writing is about.
It’s the whole truth. No filter.

When I went down for dinner my Dad told me that they are making adjustments to lockdown.
Dentists are due to re-open, along with shops that sell non-necessities, and from Monday up to six people from different households can gather outdoors.
Essentially, it’s not lockdown any more. It’s social distancing. But things are getting back to normal.
I don’t like it.

He also said that tonight was going to be the last 8PM Thursday clap.
It’s coming to an end.
Things really are going back to normal.
I don’t like it.

We watched the last episode of ‘The Real Marigold Hotel’, where celeb pensioners were visiting the foothills of the Himalayas along the side of the Ganges.
One of them is a practising Buddhist, which is a religion that has always appealed to me.
After the show, I watched a YouTube video about the basics of Buddhism, and realised I couldn’t do it because one of the rules is to abstain from intoxicating substances, so I would have to be sober. Ha!
But, the principles are basically to do the right thing and be kind, so it’s something I might read some more about at some point.

All in all, a bit of a non-day.
Hopefully tomorrow will be more productive.

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