27/05/20 – Unafraid

When I woke up my Mum was out at the supermarket. I played some more on the keyboard, and had a generally chill morning.

In the afternoon, my Dad went out fishing. I was really pleased that he was getting out of the house – it’s weeks since he’s been out – and also doing something he enjoys.

I did another ballet class in the afternoon, which was focused a lot on core muscles – no barre, all centre work. Afterwards, I felt like I’d pulled a muscle over my womb/bladder which I didn’t even know was possible. But it felt great to do it, and to have done it. It’s exercise that I enjoy. I love the grace, the beauty, and the precision of it. I also found myself a lot more flexible than I was last time I did it. I could touch my toes in an exercise that I couldn’t before.

I started to watch ‘American Horror Story – Coven’, which is probably my favourite one. The witches in it are so fabulous – all dressed in black designer clothes, with big sunglasses and hats. It’s so stylish, and pleasing to watch. Plus, Stevie Nicks does a cameo.

When I went downstairs for dinner, we had a proper conversation, which we hadn’t since before the ‘The effect Lucy has on me’ incident. I told them about things I’d been watching, and it was really nice to chat to them.

Dinner was stir fry, and in the evening we watched ‘The Great British Sewing Bee’ together.
Again, I hadn’t sat and watched TV with my parents since before the happenings at the weekend.

I went downstairs to get some toast late at night, and all the lights were off.
I would usually be scared considering what I’d been watching – things tend to stick in my brain for a while – but I wasn’t scared.
I realised that far scarier things have happened to me – real things.
There’s no point in being afraid of pretend ghosts and serial killers when the things that I were most afraid of have already happened to me – losing the man I love, going back in to hospital, not working… I don’t feel like I could be afraid of anything anymore.
The losses that I’ve suffered are more terrifying than anything.
That’s a pretty sad thought.

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