26/05/20 – Keyboard

When I woke up, my eyes were still stinging from how much I’d cried the night before.

I went downstairs for my morning coffee my Dad was having his breakfast, so I sat with him for a bit. We looked out at the cows and pointed out this poor little white thing that was covered in shit. It had obviously been standing in the wrong place when one of the big ones went. It hasn’t rained in weeks now, so their bums are all pretty disgusting and faeces covered at the moment, but this poor little one had it all over its face.

I had a low-key morning, and then joined my parents for lunch. My mum and I decided to go for a walk as soon as we’d finished.

I was alone with my thoughts for a while in the woods, and then it all came spilling out to my mum as we were walking along. I told her all about the conversation that I’d had with my Dad the night before, and all of the things that he’d said that were just stuck in my brain.
Do I even want to get well?
I’m just sitting around waiting to magically get well.
I want to be invisible.
Do I really think that I don’t have an effect on the people around me?

I felt so battered and bruised, and even shed a tear or two in the woods while I was talking about it.

I said that I don’t want to necessarily be invisible, but I want to spend time by myself quite a lot because that’s how I will get well. I don’t gain energy from being around others, I gain it from being alone. I love being able to do whatever I want, and I’m just beginning to find that again. I’m finding hobbies again, and not letting my life be consumed by work and socialising, as it has been for so long.
My mum said that she totally understood, and that as cliché as it sounds, she is her own best friend. She said that I have to look after my own best friend above all else – me.

When we got back, my Dad asked how our walk was. I said it was fine. My mum started to say that I was feeling a bit bruised, but I shook my head at her, hoping she’d stop, which she did.
I didn’t want to get back in to it with my Dad again. Yesterday was done and dusted. That doesn’t mean to say I wasn’t feeling fragile about it, but it’s pointless to rake over it again.

I’d talked to my mum while we were walking about getting our old keyboard set up in my bedroom, so that I can play the piano without disturbing everyone in the house. So, we told my Dad we were going to go and set it up. He offered to help. He was so eager to help. But we said too many cooks spoil the broth, and that it only needed two of us really.

We got it set up, and there was obviously some tarry stuff on it somewhere, because I managed to get it on my t-shirt and trousers.

Once it was ready to go, I worked my way through the whole of a beginner’s book from cover to cover. I must have been playing for ages, and I really enjoyed it.

I used to play piano, cello, and oboe. I have a violin somewhere too. I’d love to play my cello again – that’s the one I was best at – but it’s in desperate need of a service. I reckon it’ll need new strings, and the bridge and pegs etc looking at, which is way beyond my capability.

After that, I watched some ‘American Horror Story – Asylum’, which I had started the night before. The whole nun thing in ‘The Keepers’ had reminded me of it, I knew I’d find it really absorbing, and there’s no great romance in there.
I forgot how scary it actually is, but kept going because I was invested by that point. No going back.

My Mum had been out to Boots to pick up our prescriptions. My Dad asked if I was taking my pills upstairs. I said I wasn’t allowed to, was I? Doctors orders. He asked what I wanted, and I said tbh I wanted them back from my parents. It felt pretty disempowering to have them taken off me, so he gave them back to me, which I really appreciated.

I had changed my clothes after I got that tarry stuff on them. I sat back at the keyboard for a bit before dinner, and when I stood up, I was covered in it again.
My Mum used some stain remover for oil, and then Vanish, and miraculously managed to get it out.
My Dad said that he would have a look at it after dinner, and we’d clean whatever it was off.

We managed to locate the ‘tar’ – it was rubber nodules under the keyboard which have obviously melted through 20 years or so of being in the cupboard. He meticulously cleaned it off, using nail varnish remover, and then he stuck tape over where they had been, to stop any more coming off.
He was clearly trying to do nice things for me after yesterday, which I really appreciated. It’s his way of putting it behind us and moving on. My Mum’s all about talking things over, but he’s an ‘actions speak louder than words’ kind of man. They both have their different ways, as we all do.

I spent the evening in my room playing some more on the keyboard and watched to the end of ‘American Horror Story – Asylum’. It was deeply disturbing, but incredibly distracting and absorbing. It was great to get lost in a story. It’s been a long time since I did that.

I didn’t finish it until nearly midnight. Amazingly, somehow, I didn’t have nightmares.

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