25/05/20 – The effect I have on everyone

I had bizarre dreams about school, and a wedding, and a disgustingly dirty kitchen.

My Dad told me that my mum had woken him up at about 4:30 because she was listening to the dawn chorus. She said that she even went outside to sit and listen for 20 minutes or so. She’s been talking about it for ages, I’m glad she got to do it.

I watched the rest of ‘The Keepers’, and then felt tired so had a nap and missed lunch.

I mentioned to my mum how much I miss living on my own. I love to be able to do my own thing, and know I’m not going to be disturbed.

When I woke up, I had a ham cob, and did some more ballet.

I did the barre work that I’d done a couple of days back, but on the other side. I left out the jumps this time, so it didn’t leave me so exhausted.

By the time dinner came, I was still feeling a bit reclusive, but I went downstairs for a drink anyway while my Dad tended to the BBQ.
My mum had got some charcuterie meat out to nibble on, but it was all stuck together, and we were using cocktail sticks to eat them, which I found really difficult and frustrating, so I decided to just leave it.
My mum got me a couple of teeny tiny forks instead, which I still found really frustrating, so I decided to just leave it.
My Dad asked if there was anything I’d rather use, and I said no, just to forget it, and that I was fine.
He stormed off.
When he came back he was clearly annoyed. The atmosphere was really tense. I sat around for a bit, until I said ‘fuck this shit’, and went up to my room. I just felt so uncomfortable.

What happened next is a bit of a blur, but I lay on my bed, with the curtains closed, crying my eyes out.
I kept thinking about the title of the document that I’d seen the day before. I am having an effect on my Mum by being here, and now my Dad was fucked off with me too.
I felt completely alone.
I thought about going back to the city, staying in my flat on my own, and just unburdening my parents.

My mum came up to try and talk to me, but I wasn’t having it. I kept mentioning the title of the document, and saying that now my Dad was pissed off with me too. Eventually I ended up screaming at her to leave me alone.

My Dad came upstairs, and he was still quite clearly hacked off.
I said that I didn’t want to effect people.
He said ‘Do you really think that you don’t have an effect on people?’. I replied of course I fucking do – that’s why my boyfriend left me.
He said that I can’t be invisible. I tried to do it in hospital, and now I’m trying to do it in the house by just staying in my room. I said that I just like being alone. I live alone. I like spending time doing my own thing.
He said that it seems that I’m just sitting in my room waiting to magically get well, which felt like a huge stomach punch. He asked me if I even want to get well. I said of course I do. He asked when I’d last picked up my workbooks. I said that it had been a while, but I know that that’s not what I need right now.
I said that I was so exhausted. I needed a rest. He said that in his opinion I am overmedicated, which is making me so exhausted, and that I need to reduce my meds and stop eating so much chocolate.
But that’s not what I meant.
I haven’t stopped. I haven’t stopped since God knows when.
My life for the past few years has been one big blur of work, divorce, drinking, and partying. I need a rest. I can’t remember the last time I did something I really enjoy, like ballet. And now I’m starting to find that again. I’m starting to remember who I am.

I talked about returning to the city, and leaving them alone, but my Dad said they’d just worry, and that they genuinely want me here. He said that I am the centre of both of their universes atm, but that he feels like he’s just constantly walking on eggshells with me, and that he can’t get anything right.

When he left the room, I felt pretty battered and bruised, and my eyes were stinging from so much crying.
I’m not sure why, but I followed him downstairs, and sat and had dinner with them – an hour later than we’d planned to.

I don’t really remember what I did for the rest of the evening, but I know that my parents hugged me and told me that they love me.
I know that they do, and that it all comes from a good place. I just don’t want to be a bother to them. I don’t want to be a burden.
I hate having such an effect on the people that I love.

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