I slept through again, which was nice.
When I woke up, I realised it was a bank holiday weekend, so I should probably make a telephone appointment with my GP to get my meds in order for next week.
My usual GP wasn’t in, so I made an appointment with my second choice Doctor, who is a very kind and understanding lady.
She asked me a lot of probing questions though, and eventually got out of me that yes, I have been feeling suicidal again at times.
She asked to speak to my parents.
The result of their conversation was that she wanted my parents to take my medication back off me.
My Dad came to my room and spoke to me about it, and I handed them over.
I said that it felt like a backward step, and he said to think of it as a sensible step.
I feel disappointed in myself. I was making such good progress, and I feel like I’ve slipped backwards a bit.
We had my Dad’s smoked trout with some of my Mum’s bread for lunch, and I was so shaky that I ended up having to eat it with a knife and fork.
It was around this point that I took some Diazepam to calm my anxiety.
I had plans to maybe go for a walk, or sort through some clothes in the afternoon, but I just had zero motivation, so spent the afternoon playing games on my tablet and watching Netflix.
Towards the end of the afternoon, I was feeling really unaccomplished.
My pointe shoes have been staring at me for weeks – they’re hung up on the wall. I thought that there must be loads of home ballet classes of YouTube, so I had a bit of a hunt and found a pretty decent channel.
When I was a teenager, I used to dance 6 days a week. I did ballet from when I was 3, and soon after that took up modern and tap.
I was really good.
I made it to the school’s ‘pre-major’ group for modern, which was basically a dance group made up of the best dancers across all age groups. I also gained an A grade in a professional qualification (equivalent of an A level) which would allow me to teach if I wanted to.
I always loved ballet, and definitely could have taken it all the way if my back wasn’t so arched. My body’s just built the wrong way to do it professionally, which was always my dream as a girl – and not a completely unrealistic one (if it wasn’t for my back). It was pretty heart-breaking if I’m honest.
I kind of lost it when I went to uni. I was too busy drinking and partying to find a class to join.
I’ve not done it since.
The class was pretty basic, and bought back loads of good memories for me.
I got a bit of a sweat on, but it was more focused on stretching and grace rather than cardio, which I really enjoyed.
I’ll definitely do it again.
I felt much better after that. We had steak for dinner, and I watched Gogglebox with my parents.
Just before I was about to go to sleep, I took my sleeping pill, and realised that one was missing…
I’d counted them up in the morning so I could place my order with my GP, so knew that I had a certain amount then.
I realised what I’d done.
After lunch, instead of taking a Diazepam, I’d taken a sleeping pill.
No wonder I’d felt so unmotivated.
I went downstairs and told my Dad, and we had a bit of a laugh about it. What an absolute twat I am.
I went to bed feeling a bit better about things.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.