21/05/20

I slept all the way through again, which is good. Definitely improving on that front.

I was super anxious in the morning though.

I turned my phone back on yesterday, and it bought so many stresses to the forefront of my mind – work, the flat(s), my ex, relationships with my friends…
I realised it wasn’t serving me well, so I turned it off again.

I honestly couldn’t see how I could possibly return to the city and get my life back on track, but I don’t know what the alternative is. It felt unbelievably overwhelming. I thought how much easier things would be if I just disappeared.
I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.

I felt so awful that I had a nap to try and re-set my day. I slept from about 12 til 3, when my mum woke me up to let me know that she was going to do a workout soon. I wasn’t that keen, but she mentioned that she was going to shave my Dad’s head first.
I was like HOLD ON AND WAIT FOR ME. I CANNOT MISS THIS.

We took it in turns to shave his head on a number 8, so still quite long. It was really good fun, and afterwards it looked like there’d been a huge cat fight in the garden.

Then we did another Joe Wicks workout. It was his daily PE video, which I really enjoyed because it was a bit more varied, but my parents found it way more difficult than the ‘low intensity’ workout we’d done before.
I was constantly worried that my Dad was going to have a heart attack or that my mum’s fake joints (or her one remaining real hip) were going to break.

I’d turned my phone back on to share videos and pictures of shaving my Dad’s head with my brother and sister in law, and some of my friends back in the city.
Everyone except one in our group chat had seen it, but no one had replied.
Straight away I was like ‘no one cares, no one likes me, they’re not my friends, they’re ignoring me’, but what my rational brain keeps hanging on to is the fact that they made the effort to come and see me in hospital. They are my friends.
Eventually one of them replied, and it made me feel really good.
I’m just so fragile with interpersonal interactions atm. I think I will be for a while with the people that I hurt back in the city (or at least I perceive to have hurt, whether I actually did or not).
People are so unpredictable. I can’t control the way that people feel about me or react to me.
My phone has definitely become a source of unease.

It’s been a few weeks too since my ex and I spoke, and that was something that I initiated. Because he hasn’t initiated a conversation with me since we re-established contact, I keep thinking that he just doesn’t want me in his life. Idk if that’s true or not, but it’s certainly playing on my mind.
I’d just like to be his friend.
More than anything, I want for him to want to be my friend.

We had an epic breaded chicken feast for dinner, with a rack of ribs. It was awesome. My favourite kind of dinner.

I came downstairs for the 8PM Thursday clap, and somehow my Dad had touched something in the garden, then touched his face, and basically made the whole right side of his mouth swell up.
He looked a bit like he’d had a tooth out, or even had a stroke. A part of me was worried that he actually might have, and just not noticed.
My mind is still leaping to the worst-case scenario with everything. Particularly on this day.

(I forgot to put in yesterday’s blog that we watched The Great British Sewing Bee together, which was nice. I’m actually quite enjoying it!)

This evening we watched The Real Marigold Hotel, where celebrity pensioners go to India. It’s nice to see some of them single and so secure with who they are, but the majority of them have partners who they’ve been with for years. I generally enjoyed it, but it left me thinking loads about my friends, my love life, and my future.

My mum gave me a hug before bed and told me she loved me, I said ‘I know, that’s why I’m still here’. It just kind of slipped out, but I meant it. I couldn’t do that to them, as miserable as I’m feeling.
I can’t win. I can’t stand being here, but those who do love me wouldn’t be able to stand it if I went away.
I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere.

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