18/05/20 – Antiversary

I’m going to keep this one short.

Today should have been our one year anniversary.
But it’s not.

I tried to sleep as long as I possibly could. The wound felt so fresh, like it had been ripped open again.

I spoke to the Doctor on the phone about my physical side effects, and he said that I should try and get some more exercise to tire myself out. Ride them out for a bit longer, and see how it goes.

After that, I felt overwhelmingly sad. I ended up lying in bed and just crying for a while.
It’s been ages since I’ve cried.

I considered sending him a message, just to let him know that he is loved. No agenda, just to tell him how great he is, how much he is loved by me, no matter what, and he always will be.
But I decided against it.

I decided to allow myself the day to grieve.

Our relationship is such a huge loss to me. It’s genuinely the most painful loss that I have ever experienced. So, I didn’t feel so bad about spending the day in bed, taking some medication, and distracting myself with Netflix, games, and chocolate.

I went downstairs for dinner, AND THE COWS WERE BACK IN THE FIELD!

You can see lots of pictures of them here…
https://lucysback.com/2020/05/18/cows/
(that’s right, I gave them their own blog post)

The absolute highlight of my day.

I spent the evening in bed binge watching and binge eating. I even took a couple of glasses of wine up with me, which I know I probably shouldn’t, but I didn’t really care.

I spent the whole day feeling properly, clichédly, heartbroken.

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