16/05/20 – Non-Eurovision

I woke up at about 4AM after having really weird dreams about pregnancy and birth again.
Took some more sedating meds, and went back to sleep.

When I woke up, I’d started my period, which accounts for the pregnancy and birth dreams, and my increased paranoia and irritability.
Every month my mental health severely declines whenever I have my period. My brain just can’t cope with the hormones. For example, it was two periods ago that I had that intensely paranoid weekend in hospital where I thought that people might be filming me in my room.

I really didn’t feel like doing anything.

My dreams had shaken me up, I’d had a pretty poor sleep, and I was suffering from bad cramps.

I just spent most of the day in bed watching Netflix and playing on my tablet.

When I came downstairs for dinner, I talked to my parents about the night before, and they totally agreed that my period super increases my paranoia. I said, ‘I think I was just feeling a bit paranoid’, and they both laughed and said, ‘OH REALLY? YOU THINK?!’.

For dinner we’d ordered from the chippy that had that epic fail a few weeks back when they received over 8,000 orders and left loads of people waiting for hours in the car park…

My mum went out to get it, and I thought she’d be ages, but she actually returned just 5 minutes after our collection slot.

While she was gone, I saw the cat that comes to visit us.
My mum calls her ‘Tabbykins’.
We’re not even sure if she’s a she tbh, but she’s been visiting us for about 10 years, and ‘Tabbykins’ has just kind of stuck.
She’s huge, and tabby (obvs). She’s often seen running across the field with a shrew or baby pheasant hanging out of her mouth. She’s a proper good cat – does exactly what cats should do. She hunts, seeks some attention, and then just fucks off when she gets bored.
I can really identify with cats. I love how they do things on their own terms. No one can own a cat. They choose whether they want to spend time with you or not. They can go from being so sweet and snuggly to ripping your hands to shreds the next second.
Cats are fucking awesome.

The chippy was fucking awesome too.

It was Eurovision night, but obviously the contest couldn’t go ahead as planned.
There were performances on BBC1 throughout the evening, being shown all across Europe, but instead of watching that we decided to watch Channel 5’s ‘When Eurovision Goes Horribly Wrong’ that we’d recorded the night before. We thought it would be more humorous, less Coronavirusy, and likely to be less weird European pop songs all about love and heartbreak.

I fucking love Eurovision. It’s just so bizarre.

The evening was really enjoyable. We sat and laughed and chatted together, shared a bit of wine, and I felt my mood improving, even though I was still pretty subdued and irritable.

We went outside at about 10PM to see the space station fly over.
I had a proper look at the stars, which I haven’t done for ages. The sky is so clear right now because there are hardly any planes. I could see The Plough.

I didn’t go upstairs until nearly 11PM. Well past my bedtime!
It meant that I got to sleep relatively easily though. But atm it’s not so much falling asleep that’s the issue, it’s staying asleep…

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