13/05/20

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I needed a wee, but realised I was in the bed on my own, so figured my partner must be using the bathroom, and that I’d have to wait for him to come back. It took me a good minute or so to remember everything, and realise that there was no one there with me, which made me feel really sad.

My dreams were insane again. I was with this really abusive man, who had a girlfriend already, but wanted to go out with me too. He really wanted a child and pretty much insisted that I left myself without contraception so I could fall pregnant, and it terrified me.
I also had dreams about this massive monster eating people, and for some reason I had the ability to disappear and reappear anywhere I wanted.

When I got up at 8:30 I felt like I’d barely slept.
I don’t think I had.

After I’d had some breakfast, I tried to go back to sleep, and just couldn’t get my ex off my mind. I just kept playing all of the good times we had through my mind.
I felt so sad.
I think waking up in the middle of the night really fucked me up.

Eventually, I managed to fall in to a really deep sleep.
It’s been 3 nights of disturbed sleep and horrible nightmares now, so I am fucking exhausted, and it’s really starting to take its toll on my mood.

My mum woke me up just before lunch, and I was so tired that I missed out on it.

Once I’d woken up a bit, I had a shower, some bread, and my mum and I went out for a walk.

On our way down to the woods we spotted her blood on the road. She really made a mess of things.

The woods were full of pollen, and my nose wouldn’t stop running. I didn’t really want to be out for a walk, but I figured some physical exercise might help me fall asleep later, as I’ve been pretty sedentary the past few days. I was pretty over it tbh.
My mum also was wearing a scarf that she kept pulling up over her face when we went past people to hide this big white moustache plaster that she’s sporting atm. But everyone will have thought it was because of Coronavirus. She looked like a right hypochondriac.

The rest of the day was pretty unremarkable, up until The Great British Sewing Bee, which I watched with my parents. I really enjoy watching basic shite TV with them, where you can bitch over the top of it, and have a bit of a chat.

We’d talked a bit about how to get me sleeping better, and I’d come to the conclusion that I needed to have some food before bed so that I was proper full. Also, to maybe to sleep with a different light on – one that’s not so bright.

It still took me a while to get to sleep, but not half as bad as the previous nights.

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