I woke up feeling really groggy and pretty shite. Couldn’t shake the shakes either. My hands were visibly trembling, putting on my mascara was almost fucking impossible (I definitely stabbed myself in the eye more than once), even typing (both on my phone and laptop) was extremely difficult, and when I was washing my hair I saw those kind of big glittery spots that you see just before you’re about to faint.
I felt really fucking unwell.
In the morning I got this text from the NHS…
My mum asked how I feel about it. I said I wasn’t too bothered tbh. The only issue is my house move. But at least once things get back to normal, my friends start to see each other, and the bar re-opens, the government have literally told me to stay at home, so I couldn’t go out even if I wanted to, regardless of my recent mental health issues. It’s like a reason that usurps my depression. It’s not that I’m staying in because of my mental health, it’s because I’m officially ‘shielding’.
I’m still going to go in to the woods for some walks. I don’t touch anything, and literally just walk. But I definitely won’t be popping to the shops any time soon.
I’m not quite sure why I am ‘vulnerable’, but I’m guessing the reason is twofold – severe mental illness (which will undoubtedly be supressing my immune system atm), and my history of visiting A&E with the occasional asthma attack.
Either way, I’m fine with it.
Just before lunch, a tractor and a jeep came in to the field to fix the fences up, because the cows are coming back!
My mum had a really long chat to them (as she does), and they’re set to return next week, which will be lovely. It’s so nice to wake up and see the cows in the field.
My mum and I went for a really long walk in the woods. I was in a pretty good headspace, and figured I could be alone with my thoughts.
We ended up at ‘The Willow House’, which is like a mini maze made out of willow trees, which used to have a little hut in the middle when I was a child.
I spoke to my mum more about my ‘shielding’, and how it had actually changed my whole mental attitude.
I no longer feel like I’m off sick and hiding out at my parents because of my mental illness, it’s because the government have told me to stay at home.
It feels totally different, and a lot more normal, even though it is anything but.
I was texting some of my friends who run other bars over the country, and they said how jealous they were of the countryside at my parents. I said that considering the hand that has been dealt to me, I’ve been pretty fortunate in that respect. One of my friends said, ‘The journey you must have been on on top of this Lucy, it’s just huge.’
She’s absolutely right. I thanked her for that. Sometimes I need that perspective when things seem really rough. People’s words of encouragement mean so much to me.
She said I am ‘one tough lady’.
I don’t often feel it, but I know I will come out the other side of this, look back, and be proud.
I felt much better after a walk, but also a lot shakier, and absolutely exhausted. My mum and I had talked in the woods about how I wouldn’t be ready to go back to work right now. She asked me to imagine working for an hour behind the bar. I’d be shaking and spilling stuff all over the place, and afterwards I’d probably be so exhausted that I’d sleep for 24 hours. It would actually wipe me out for days after. She said ‘Lucy, you have been so unwell’. Sometimes I lose sight of that. I think it’s just me being a bit of a twat. But no, I have actually been really really ill, and I’m still not through it quite yet.
I went down to watch the news briefing and snuggled up next to my Dad. He gave me a cuddle and said he could feel how shaky I was, and that he just didn’t know what to suggest.
We sat outside before dinner, and I really properly looked at the sky. It’s so clear atm without any aeroplane trails.
We did our 8PM clapping, and I walked down the road a bit to see the guy who runs a DJ business playing his keyboard. There were flashing lights and everything. He was proper going for it.
I spent the rest of the evening just having a chill one in my room. I was still so shaky and felt so unwell. At one point I even shook so much that my glass missed my mouth and I spilled water all over the bed.
Fucking side effects. Hopefully they’ll pass soon.