06/05/20

I had good dreams, where I went back to work and everyone was really happy to see me. We were making plans for my phased return, and I even popped behind the bar and poured some pints. Then I sat around with my friends when the shifts changed over, just like normal, all catching up and having a laugh.

Then my dreams started to get gradually darker, so I woke myself up.

It was still relatively early. I turned my phone back on, and a message that I’d sent the day before in to the group chat had been read by every single person, but absolutely no one had replied to me. It was just a video of the bat detecting. I thought someone might get a laugh out of it. But there was complete radio silence.
I guess I’m still making a lot of people uncomfortable.
I’m trying very very hard not to take it personally.

I spent the morning in bed watching Netflix and playing on my tablet, and even ended up having a bit of a nap while listening to some calming music – like the kind that they put on at spas.

We had some of my Dad’s home caught, home smoked trout for lunch, and my mum and I decided to go out for a walk.

Just before I set off, the big group chat started to ping off all about furlough and how the lockdown was going to be lifted, which fills me with a lot of anxiety. So that bought my mood down somewhat, which had been fairly upbeat all morning.

The walk was nice, but we kept it short. My mind was wandering elsewhere.

We saw a man at the entrance to the woods, and I was really struck that he was carrying a takeaway coffee cup. I wondered if it was a reusable one from home, but as I got closer, I saw that it was a Costa cup. My mum and I figured out that he must have got it from the Tesco Express, which has a self-service machine. It was strange though how something that was once so normal was so out of place in this new world.

We also saw a little boy dressed head to toe as Darth Vader – lightsabre and everything. I guess it’s one way of shielding your face!

The construction workers have returned to work on the extension at the house on the corner, and it was shift changeover at the supported living house next-door but one to us, so there were quite a few people about. It feels a bit like things are beginning to return to normal, which tbh, terrifies me.

When I got back, I played a bit on my tablet, and did some writing.

My friend sent me a video that she’d found the previous day. It was from New Year’s Day 2019, which was one of my favourite days of my whole life. The bar was closed, so my three friends (basically my entire management team) and I sat on the sofa all day, playing games and just generally being stupid. I spent the whole day sitting in my pants under his duvet drinking fizzy rosé out the bottle, with us all cuddled up together.
I miss them so much.
I miss my life. But so much has changed since then.

My mum came up to my room to let me know that she was going out for the weekly shop and trip to the pharmacy. She said that she’d just read my previous day’s blog. We talked some more about my Granny and what an amazing woman she was. My mum says that she sees an awful lot of her in me. I definitely identified with her more than a lot of the other members of my family.
After reading her memoirs yesterday, she truly is one of my heroes.

My afternoon was fairly unremarkable, and we had a nice dinner.

My mum mentioned that when she’d got up in the middle of the night, she’d seen my light on, and had asked if I was still awake at that time.
I said no – I’m still sleeping with the light on.
I’ve done it every night since I last slept next to my ex back in February.

I spent a bit of time in my room before watching The Great British Sewing Bee with my parents. I got to thinking about how things are going to be once lockdown starts to lift, and my friends start to see each other again.
I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, that I consider just running away from my old life. Or not so much running away, but staying here and never going back. Starting afresh.
I sometimes just can’t see how I can possibly get my life back on track in the city.

It was nice to watch TV with my parents. We had some laughs and it was a good way to pass some time.

The problem is that the Sewing Bee finishes at 10PM, by which time I’m usually in bed. I spent a bit of time winding down, but by the time it got to go to sleep I just couldn’t switch my brain off. It was doing that short-circuiting thing again.
I had my sleep sounds on for half an hour until I changed it from rain to a restful tune. I tried to focus as much as I could on the melody to distract my thoughts, and that seemed to work.

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