03/05/20

I had super weird dreams that kept waking me up.
My brother, my sister in law and I went to see ‘Strictly Come Dancing’, and we were all in these seats that literally rotated around the stage. We were invited to dance on the stage at some point. Everyone was doing it in their underwear, and I didn’t want to because mine weren’t matching. My brother and sister in law then remembered that they had to go and feed their baby (they don’t have a baby). They had an open tin of beans & sausages in a plastic zip bag with a spare nappy.
It was really odd.

At 6:30AM I was wide awake.
I went to the bathroom, opened the curtains, and turned my phone back on. I opened the group chat that had been popping off the night before, and then closed it again straight away without reading the messages. I also deleted the photos from my gallery that had been shared, because my phone saves WhatsApp pictures directly.

I managed to get back to sleep, and eventually woke up again at about 11. I texted my ex to say that I hope he’d had a good night and wasn’t feeling too rough.
I had some more messages to reply to, including one from a friend who had been on the birthday party video call. He told me a bit about it, and said that I’d missed out, which made me feel a bit gutted.

Did I make the right decision in not taking part?

I explained my reasons for not doing it, and he said he understood.
But I still felt pretty shitty and sad to have missed out.

It just wasn’t appropriate for me to be there. It wasn’t my day, it was his, and I didn’t want to make it about me. Most of my friends haven’t seen or even spoken to me in months. I didn’t want to reappear on his birthday just like ‘tadaaaah!’. I wanted it to be all about him and his day.

Spent the rest of my morning playing games on my tablet, just trying to take my mind off things while messages were pinging through saying how hungover everyone felt, and what a great time they’d had.

It was in the afternoon that I decided to turn my phone off again.

I didn’t feel like it was serving me well.
It had become a source of stress rather than joy.
I figured I could get by the rest of the day socialising solely with my parents.

We had a family Zoom video call in the afternoon, which was nice, and then a really bangin’ roast beef dinner – definitely the best roast since I’ve been here.

My Dad has really been amazing again.
He said that if any of my friends want to come and visit, they’re very welcome, and he’ll even go and pick them up from the station.
He also said that if I wanted a dog, I could get one.
WHILST I’M HERE.
I probably won’t, because I think it would mess a dog up too much to get settled here and then move to my flat in the city, but he was the one who actually suggested it, and seemed genuinely chill about it.
He is so incredibly supportive.

I just spent the rest of the day and the evening relaxing on the bed, playing games on my tablet and watching Netflix.

I finished Tiger King, and once I returned to the Netflix home page, there was ‘RuPaul’s Secret Celebrity Drag Race’ and I was like WTFFFF??? Basically, a load of new episodes of former contestants making over celebrities so they can try and win money for charity. And it was a brand new Drag Race Season 12 day too, so I had a pretty good evening.

I felt so much better when I turned my phone off. I’m so glad I did it.
I really would recommend it.
It felt so good to be in the moment, and not distracted by anything going on in the outside world, which is so so stressful right now.

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