It was my ex-boyfriend’s 35th birthday. I wished that I could cook him breakfast, make him feel truly loved, and spoil him rotten all day.

But I can’t.

Instead, I sent him an ‘Epic Birthday’ video via WhatsApp and posted it on his Facebook wall.
If you’re unfamiliar with the videos, search ‘Epic Birthday’ on YouTube. They’re fucking brilliant.

I sent it relatively early, and tried to do as many things as I could to distract my mind until he replied to me, or at least I could see that he had woken up and received it.

Once he got my video, he texted me to say thank you, and also to thank me for the card that I’d sent. He said it was ginormous – A3! We had a bit of a laugh about that. It was so nice to see him send exclamation marks and smiley emojis. Much better than the frosty reception that I’ve received some other times that we’ve been in contact. I also let him know that there was a present for him waiting at the post office. He said that I hadn’t needed to get him anything, but I said that I had wanted to. He is my friend, such a special person in my life, and 35 is a big deal.
I asked if I could call him when he was free at some point, just to wish him happy birthday, because I didn’t think I’d make it on to whatever Zoom video party inevitably ends up going on tonight. I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with me being there. I knew his friends from home would be there, and I doubt I’m their favourite person right now. He said he’d let me know when he was free, and sent another smiley face, which made me feel really good.

I just want to be his friend. That’s all I want right now.
And I think I’d rather heal our friendship in private, just me and him, rather than getting involved in group social situations right now.

I spent pretty much all morning playing games on my tablet. Like I said, I just wanted to distract myself as much as possible.

After lunch, we did a video call, and it was awesome.
He was smiling and laughing. I was smiling and laughing.
We talked about some random things, and I told him how much better I’m feeling.
We agreed to play some online Monopoly sometime, and to stay in touch.
I feel really positive about our future and our friendship.

I told him to have an awesome evening, but that I wouldn’t be a part of it, and my reasons why.
I truly do hope he has a wonderful day. He deserves it.

I spent the rest of the day re-watching Tiger King. I wanted something completely absorbing and amusing to take my mind off things.

I waited throughout the afternoon for everyone to start sending ‘Happy Birthday’ wishes in to the group chat so that I could post my ‘Happy Birthday’ piano video, but it never happened, they just started to talk about setting up the Zoom video call instead, so I posted it on my Insta stories instead of in to the group chat, cuz it would have just looked really random and creepy if I’d dropped it in there. I hope he saw it.

After that, I did something I haven’t done for years.
I turned my phone off.

We had curry for dinner, and a glass of wine beforehand. I asked later if I could have another one too, despite having taken a lot of my sedatives. I just wanted to numb my feelings and blot out the fact that I was missing out on the fun my friends would be having.

By the end of the evening, my back was in bits. I think that I’ve pulled a muscle, and I just couldn’t get comfortable, so I tapped out early and went to sleep instead.

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