26/04/20

When I woke up, there were loads of texts that had been sent during the Zoom video call the previous night. My ex had posted a picture of everyone who was on it, and I was really surprised to see a friend of his that he used to sleep with on there, which felt like a bit of a stomach punch.
Have things started up again between them?

I knew that I had to ask, or it would drive me crazy. I don’t want for people to be wrapping me up in cotton wool, afraid to tell me the truth for how I’ll react when everyone else knows what’s going on.
If he finds someone new, I don’t want to be the last to know.

I texted him and asked if we could chat, and eventually, after I’d had a nap, we did a video call.

He says that nothing has been going on, and that they are just good friends. He says that they are back in constant contact, and she has really been there for him. I’m glad he has people around him. I’m sure the breakup hasn’t been easy for him either, and then of course there’s lockdown.
I apologised for sounding like a crazy ex-girlfriend, and explained that I didn’t want people to be keeping things from me if everyone else knew what was going on.

I said that I enjoyed having him back in my life, that there had been so many things I’ve wanted to tell him or send him over the past couple of months. He said that things aren’t going to be the same as they were in terms of our contact, which stung a bit, but I know he’s right.
It’s very early days for us in this new friendship.

He just looks so serious every time he talks to me. I look forward to the times where we can have a good time together again, where we can laugh together, and I can make him smile as friends do,rather than him looking so stressed and miserable.

I sent my parents the above few paragraphs so that they knew what had been going on with me in the morning, since I hadn’t come downstairs at all except to get some water and tell them I wouldn’t be having lunch with them.
I found it much easier to write it all down rather than have to explain things verbally. I generally do. That’s why this blog exists in the first place.

My Dad said, ‘So you spiralled then?’.
I guess my thoughts did spiral a bit. But I feel like I handled it well – much better than I would have done a few weeks or months ago.
I handled it like an adult. I explained myself to my ex, and was prepared for whatever answer he gave me. I just had to know one way or another, rather than driving myself crazy.
And I really appreciate him taking the time to talk to me and answer my questions.
He is such a good man.
Even though things aren’t how they were, it’s so nice to know that he still cares. Pretty much all of my exes that have broken my heart and have just strung me out to dry, and moved on to someone else pretty much straight away – including my husband.

The rest of the day was a bit of a write off.
One thing that happened was that my Dad got a call from NHS Direct to check that he is ‘shielding’ – so hiding in his room and having his meals left outside the door – because he is ‘high risk’, which he disagrees with. He has a few factors that come in to play, but he doesn’t feel any of them are severe enough to shield himself from me and my mum.
I’d still rather he stayed at home though.
He’s the one I worry about the most.

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