24/04/20 – Lucy’s Back

Woke up really early to use the toilet, and didn’t think I’d get back to sleep, but woke up eventually at 10, so I got 12 hours sleep.

As I was getting ready my thoughts turned again to my ex – wondering how he was doing, fears and paranoias, and that dread that I had to make a move at some point to re-establish contact with him because he’s such a huge part of my social circle.

I knew that I had to do it. I had to contact him. It is the one thing that is holding me back from recovering and getting my life back on track.
I felt strong enough.
I knew today was the day.
I was finally going to do it.

As I did my makeup, I was shaking so much I could barely put my mascara on, and as soon as I was dressed, I sent him a WhatsApp saying hello.

He got back to me quickly, thankfully. I was worried about waiting around for his reply, or even worse, that it would never come.

I asked if he’d be up for a video chat, and we did that straight away.

We talked for about an hour.

We haven’t contacted each other since the 2nd of March when he e-mailed me to end our relationship, and I haven’t seen him since the 13th of February, so it was a huge deal, and I was shaking like a leaf.

It was really good to see him, talk to him, and know that he’s doing OK. We talked a lot about what had gone on, and both apologised a lot.

I let him know that even though it hurt like hell, I accepted that separating was the best thing for us at the time. I’m still full of hurt and regret that it happened, but without him I can truly focus on myself and making myself better without using anyone as a crutch.

We are friends.
He is back in my life.
We are both on track to becoming ourselves again.
We both still care a lot about each other, so that was good to hear, because I was worried that he wouldn’t want anything to do with me at all. He was so supportive.

I still have hope that we can find our way back to each other, but he says he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t want things to go back to the way they were, but I don’t either. I was so unwell for such a long time. I want to be well.
All I want is for him to be happy, for us both to be happy, and that’s what stings so much – most of the time we were so so happy together.
I guess whatever will be will be.
Who knows what the future holds.

After that, I felt really shaky, and pretty exhausted. It was such an adrenaline rush.

I told my parents what had happened, and they said that they were really glad, but that I needed to take care of myself for the rest of the day. They knew what a huge deal it was. My mum said she had actually just been thinking this morning that I needed to contact him in order to progress with my recovery, but had no idea how I was going to go about it or when I’d be ready for it.

I only had a small amount to eat before I realised I really wasn’t up for it. So I went back to my room and did some writing to get everything straight in my head.
I told my mum that I didn’t feel up to a walk either. I was so exhausted.

I let my girlfriends know that I had spoken to him, and they were really glad. I asked to be put back in to the big 17 person group chat that all of my friends (including him) are in.

I am reconnected.

Lucy’s back.

Today was a huge day.

It was just a huge morning though truth be told. I knew I had the rest of the day ahead of me, and no idea how I was going to pass the time and recover.

As it happened, I spent a lot of the afternoon on my phone watching and contributing to the group chat. It was like having a new toy – such a novelty.
The girls chat that I have with my three best girlfriends came to life again too for the first time since March. Everything feels like it’s getting back to normal. Well, as normal as things can be these days.

As enjoyable as it was, it also filled me with a great deal of adrenaline and therefore physical anxiety.
It was just so overwhelming.

Trump suggested today that people inject disinfectant in to themselves to combat Coronavirus. He later took it back and said he was being sarcastic.
What a fucking moron. He’ll be the end of this world.

My parents heard from the neighbours that the care homes in our town have the virus. It’s strange to know that it’s in the town, because we haven’t heard of anything of it up until now. It’s just sitting there in the town, like a ticking timebomb. All it takes is for one carer to go shopping and spread it in to the community.

I had quite a long chat to my parents before dinner. My Dad said that he was really glad I was back in touch with everyone, and reassured me that I’m in a safe place for it. He said that if I ever wanted to talk about anything, he is always there. He’s so quiet and calm, and such a pillar of support. I’m glad that I’m going through this crazy time with him.

For dinner we had chicken. I fucking love chicken.

I used my last McDonald’s BBQ sauce. I fucking miss McDonald’s.

In the evening I watched a documentary about a drag queen called Trixie Mattel – thought I’d mix up my gay culture viewing a little bit. It was actually quite depressing. She didn’t seem to enjoy it very much.

Went to sleep pretty early. It had been such a huge day. I was so exhausted.

A great day though. Such a milestone. The most progress so far.

3 thoughts on “24/04/20 – Lucy’s Back

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