19/04/20

I had dreams about my ex, and spent most of the morning going over things in my mind. Mostly, when I am ready, how do I go about re-establishing contact? I keep telling myself that’s something to think about when I am ready, which I am not yet, but I still can’t stop thinking about it.
That dream messed me up way more than I realised at the time.

I woke up at 9:30 – much later than normal – which threw my morning off a bit.

While I was having breakfast, a tragedy occurred.

I finished RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I am now completely up to date, and have watched every episode in existence in the past few weeks. It’s something that’s bought me so much joy and distraction, and has helped me to feel empowered and strong. I’m not sure what I’ll do without it.
I might just have to start at the beginning again?

I texted my friend about the most recent episode. I realised that I haven’t heard from her since she accidentally posted that picture of my ex in our group chat, and that’s probably my bad. I was pretty upset about it at the time, and I made no secret about that. I knew it wasn’t her fault, but it put me in such a bad place, that I couldn’t say to her ‘don’t worry about it, it’s ok’, which is probably what she wanted to hear. By messaging her like normal, I wanted to let her know that it is ok, and I’m not holding a grudge or anything.
It happened. It was an accident. I was upset (with the picture, not her). I got over it. The end.
She replied and we had a bit of a chat about the episode, which was reassuring.

After lunch my mum and I went for a quick walk. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I normally do.

The thoughts that I’d had that morning kept rattling around my head.

When I got back, my Dad was on a Zoom conference call with the class that he studied medicine with 40+ years ago.
Afterwards, he was buzzin’. He was keen to show me pictures of them, and share stories, which was really nice to see.

I spent the morning watching a new Netflix show called ‘The Innocence Files’, which is similar to ‘Making A Murderer’ is true crime, and completely absorbing. It’s about how people were wrongly accused, and how decades later are exonerated. It’s a bit dark and depressing, but kind of uplifting at the same time.

I felt so ill and tired, that I spent most of the afternoon lying on the bed. I just felt so shite.
Turned out I’d started my period, which was a real relief tbh, because at least I could attribute my feeling crap to something other than my mental health or the side effects of my medications.

Before dinner my mum did a kind of ‘audit’ on my medication, to see what I’m running out of. There are so many that it’s difficult to keep track.
We decided I needed to make a GP appointment in the morning to top three of them up.

We had roast pork for dinner, which was really good. My Dad had selected a 2011 Bordeaux to accompany it, which I had some of. After we’d finished, we stayed at the table and debated politics, the virus, and the future. I talked a bit about what I’d seen on The Innocence Files too.
It was good to sit and have a decent conversation.

I watched some more of The Innocence Files in the evening, and then restarted Drag Race! I need something fluffy, light, and empowering to watch on the side of all the heavy true crime stuff – especially just before I go to sleep.

Again, I felt the best I had done for all of the day in the evening, so wanted it to continue, but was just too tired.

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