I had a dream that some of my co-workers and I went up to HQ at the brewery. Loads of people were still working there, including my old area manager, but no one was really working, everyone was just hanging out and having a party. No one was social distancing. It was almost like the virus didn’t exist up there.
I then had another dream where I went to ‘college’ and had to share a room. The room I was sharing was with one of my old colleagues who I don’t get along with, and I was wondering how the hell I was going to survive a whole year of living in the same room as her, or anyone for that matter. The room was really gross and run down too – super dirty. She didn’t seem too phased by it, she just wanted to have a good time, but it was really freaking me out.
When I woke up, I remembered that I was expecting a call from the crisis team between 9 and 12, so I got ready super quickly and awaited the call.
I spent the morning writing, and then playing Sudoku while I waited for the call. I hadn’t made myself any food, in case they called, so by the time it got to noon and they hadn’t called, I was starving and pretty pissed off. I hate waiting around for things.
Eventually they called at about 12:40. I told them that not much had changed. I’m just trying to avoid triggering situations, and distracting my mind until I feel stronger. My appointment with the consultant is in 5 days’ time, so we agreed that they won’t call unless I need them, in which case I’ll call them. I hated so much waiting around for their call, just to tell them that everything is exactly the same.
On the news before lunch, a doctor said that her day is filled atm with calling relatives telling them that their loved one is about to die, but that they can’t come and visit them. I can’t even imagine how heartbreaking that is. I imagined how I would feel if I heard that about some of the people that I love but am not in contact with atm, particularly my ex. A part of me wants to touch base and let them know that I love them, in case anything happens, but I know how unlikely that is, and that I’m not ready.
We had some lunch and then I went for a walk with my mum, but this time we decided to go in the fields by the bypass rather than in to the woods.
It was different to be out in the open space rather than in the closed in woods. We walked past a ‘family’ of a man and four young girls of all about the same age. When we crossed them on the way back, I really wanted to say something, because there was no way they were from the same household, so my mum took me in to the field instead rather than past them on the footpath.
I spent the rest of the afternoon playing Sudoku in the living room while the news was on in the background. They showed mass graves that are being dug in New York, which was such a grim sight. Just these cardboard boxes being piled on top of each other. Once the boxes have decomposed, their bones will all just be lying all mixed in together. I can’t think of a worse way to be laid to rest, or to know that that had happened to one of my loved ones.
New York state currently has a higher death toll than any other country in the whole world.
They also showed seaside resorts like Brighton, Scarborough and Skegness almost completely empty on the first day of the bank holiday weekend. Really creepy.
Before dinner I had a drink in the garden with my parents, and we talked, which I don’t often feel like doing. During dinner though I could feel myself getting really tired, and knew I couldn’t spend any more time with people.
When I checked my phone after dinner, I had a load of messages in the ‘safe’ group chat that I’m in, and one of my friends had accidentally posted a picture of my ex.
I knew it was a photo that had been taken while I was in hospital, because it was a photo I’d never seen before, and by the time I was discharged the country was in lockdown. He was there with someone else’s hat on his head (I keep wondering whose), and a smile on his face. It made me feel a bit ill that while I was in hospital he was out and about drinking and having fun. I by no means expected his life to stop because we broke up and I was in hospital, but it was a real stomach punch to see him just carrying on as normal.
He also looked beautiful. I can’t believe that I had someone like that, and lost them, purely because of my mental health.
It really shit me up.
My friend privately messaged me to let me know that she was really sorry, that it was an accident, and that she’d tried to delete it but hadn’t been able to.
I know that she didn’t do it on purpose, and it was reassuring to know that she understands I’m not ready for him, but I felt like my safe space – the group chat – had been violated.
It’s no longer a safe space.
What I took from it is that he is doing better without me. I started to think about how toxic I am, and how everyone would just be better off without me. I am a burden.
As soon as I started thinking like that, I just dosed myself up massively with meds, and tried to occupy my mind with Drag Race. I knew that if I dwelled on it too much, I’d slip further in to that dark place.
It was the first time that I’ve felt like that since I left hospital.
Getting to sleep was hard, even with all of those meds in my system. I kept trying to block out that picture, but couldn’t get it off my mind.