09/04/20

I had such a bizarre dream.
I spotted some wanted criminals who were wreaking havoc during lockdown. I happened to be on the phone to the police at the time, so told them their whereabouts. I walked down to the next tram stop while I was on the phone, and while I was gone, they sabotaged my childhood teddy bear. They put flashing lights in him, made it so that he said phrases in a horrible voice if you shook him, and (this is the real dark part) he had a saggy arsehole, so I suspected they’d raped him.
Welcome to my brain.

I had a telephone appointment with my GP in the morning to be prescribed some more meds. She seems really keen to cut down my sedating meds and sleeping pills, but tbh I’m cutting some of them down already. It’s very rare that I use diazepam atm, and haven’t even touched the promethazine.
I am very aware though that I am doing my upmost to avoid any triggering situations. I’m still only listening to ‘safe’ empowering pop music and watching Drag Race, which is also ‘safe’ and empowering. I’m not ready to face anything else right now. I’m very much living in a bubble, and will continue to do so until I feel strong enough to tackle anything challenging.
My sleeping pills however, I am still taking every night. I still struggle to sleep, and wake up in the night, even though I am taking them, so without them I doubt I’d be getting much sleep at all.

I basically played Expert levels of Sudoku all day. I think I did about 10.

My mum and I went for a walk in the woods again, and accidentally went way too far because we kept turning off to avoid bumping in to people.

One of my friends from uni told me that he is writing a book, and sent me an excerpt that he wrote about me…

Briggso as she will be called let me tell you like most people when I first met her didn’t think she liked me much. We had a mutual friend who I was drinking with and she came home from work. First reactions, sorry Briggso for this but I thought she was hot. Didn’t get to spend much time with her that night but maybe a year later I ended up at a house party at hers and I had the time of my life. She was so easy to talk to and could make me laugh. She became a firm friend bonding of booze, fancy dress, drinking from shoes and parties.
She had a softer side which she hid very well but when it came out it was amazing. Plus that girl could have fun. There were times I have never laughed so hard over little things. She introduced me to so many people and together we formed what I called the team. More on that later. For years I thought it was my team but she was really the lynchpin.

Until last year, that was the last time in my adult life that I really felt happy – when I was 21.
I barely recognise that girl anymore.
I was single for the most part. I was so strong and confident, and had a real get up and grab life by the balls attitude. I was always up for socialising and having fun, and just generally felt so secure in myself.
It was really good to read, because it reminded me of who I really am, but at the same time I felt despair and sadness that right now I can’t see myself ever being like that again. I would love to be that girl again.

I watched the news for a bit, and there was this absolutely lovely man on there giving an account of his fight with Coronavirus.
The virus is such an abstract concept. We’re aware that it’s ripping our society to pieces, but it was a real eye opener to hear about how it directly physically affected someone who was otherwise so healthy.

For dinner we had pizza, mac n cheese balls, and chicken wings. It was pretty bangin’ – the kind of food that I’m used to eating back at home.

At 8PM we went out on to the street to clap for the carers, as is the way every Thursday right now. It was so bizarre that an otherwise silent street was suddenly filled with people, all applauding. My parents waved to our neighbours, and I just stayed on the doorstep.
That was probably the first time that a lot of them have seen that I’m actually living with them now. My mum said a few days ago that one of the neighbours had asked if everything was alright following the appearance of the ambulance that took me to hospital back in February, and she said that everything was fine but that her daughter was ‘unwell’.

After that I spent the rest of the evening watching Drag Race, while feeling really tired and bloated, until I went to sleep with thoughts racing around my head.

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