06/04/20

Got up and ready, and did some writing while I had a coffee.

I was waiting for the Crisis Team to call for their twice weekly catch up with me, so watched some Drag Race.

When they called, we talked a bit about how I’ve been, the side effects I’ve been experiencing, and whether I’ve seen any benefits from my new antidepressant medication. I told them that I’ve just been distracting myself loads, and avoiding triggers. I worry that if I get some bad news, or am triggered by anything then I won’t be strong enough yet to handle it.  
I said that I’m on 100mg of my antidepressant atm, and last time I was on 150, so I’d really like to work my way back up to that.
I also shared my anxieties about my horribly inaccurate discharge summary and that my new consultant will read it before he even meets me. They made notes of the factual inaccuracies (police helicopters and online suicide threats), which reassured me somewhat.

Honestly, they’ve been amazing. They’ve called or visited whenever they said they will, and are obviously making notes of our conversations. They’ve also got me an appointment with a consultant pretty sharpish given the current situation.
I’m really impressed by my aftercare.

After that, I played some online Cluedo, and managed to get myself ranked 25th in the country…

For lunch my parents had pate, and I had some cheese on toast. My mum got pate on her neck, and my Dad made fun of her until I pointed out he had it all over his nose. I laughed, and my mum kept going on about how nice it was to hear me laugh. I very rarely laugh atm.

I occupied myself until my mum and I went for a walk ‘people dodging’ in the woods again. On the way in, a dog in front of us picked up the most massive stick (bigger than the dog itself) and ran off with it. My mum asked a bit about my plans to get a dog, and we talked a bit about that. I imagined how great it would be to have a companion – something to look after. She said that her and my Dad massively agree with me. I said if I can’t have a boyfriend or a baby, I might as well get a dog.
I cannot wait. I wish I had one right now.

We went to visit a tree that I planted in the woods when I was 7. It was really strange seeing something that I had created still standing tall 26 years later – weirdly reassuring that no matter what has been going on in my life, it has kept growing.

I felt pretty decent after our walk, and texted my friends pretending we were having a normal Monday – that my friend and I had been doing stock take all day, and we were arranging to have drinks after our shift. It was really good, normal, and reassuring to have a bit of bantz.
I really miss my friends.

I watched the news where there was this eye-opening section about how things are in intensive care at the moment. They’re not just wearing gloves, gowns, aprons and face masks, but these huge visors, and all the beds are full. It looks like proper end of the world biohazard kind of stuff.
What an incredible job they are doing. Very scary to see it actually in action though.

We had a huge spag bol for dinner. At the end my mum kept saying how she knew what a difficult day tomorrow (their Ruby Wedding anniversary) would be, and it really bought me down. I wish people would stop reminding me of the breakup – my brain is reminding me of it almost every second of every day, I don’t need people hammering it home even more.

I watched Drag Race, and it was an amazing episode where all the queens face off in lip synchs to stay in the competition, so I really enjoyed that more than I would ordinarily enjoy Drag Race, which is really saying something.

Our Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, was admitted to intensive care in the evening, so I went down to watch the news at 10 with my parents. I knew that he was bullshitting about feeling better and that his admission the day before was far from routine.
Who knew that this is how 2020 would turn out?
The dystopian future is now.

I really struggled to sleep, even though I’d taken my pills, and gone to bed about an hour later than I ordinarily would. My brain just feels broken – my thoughts darting from one thing to the other really rapidly. No matter how much I try and focus on my sleep sounds, or a comforting train of thoughts, I have these images and words flashing across my brain. It’s almost like a circuit board short fusing and sparking.

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