05/04/20

I was up and showered by 8:30, and had finished writing my daily blog by 9:40. I spent the rest of the morning watching Drag Race, and playing Cluedo online.
I felt inexplicably anxious – constant butterflies in my stomach, jigging my leg, biting the inside of my lip, twiddling my hair. Possibly another side effect from the new antidepressants
Felt that way at lunch, and in to the afternoon, when I carried on playing Cluedo and watching Drag Race.

What made me feel a bit better was going for a walk.

My mum and I went in to the woods, which are just behind the house. The bottleneck of the entrance was pretty busy, in fact the woods were fairly busy in general, as it was such a beautiful day (20 degrees and sunny).
Luckily my mum knows the woods ridiculously well, so we went off the beaten track, I didn’t get myself lost, and we managed to avoid the majority of people.
When we did bump in to people, the mood was really sombre. No one was talking, no one was making eye contact, no one was saying hello to each other – the fear was palpable. It reminded me a lot of that weirdness between the church and the crematorium at a funeral – people might talk to each other a bit, but there’s no laughter, and generally everyone’s really quiet and subdued.

When I got back, it had been so nice to be out in the fresh air that I played some Cluedo in the garden.

Before dinner, I had another tiny G&T while chatting to my parents in the garden. I know I probably shouldn’t drink, but it’s so nice to feel normal and civilised, and it’s not like I’m getting drunk.
Dinner was a massive roast chicken, and I had a whole leg, which was incredible.

After that, I was pretty pooped, so I watched a bit of Drag Race before the Queen’s speech at 8.
My mum and I had a pudding, and I watched the Queen to tell everyone to stay at home and thank the NHS. It was pretty pointless tbh. I felt a bit short changed. I’m seriously anti-royal though, so… She’s doing well for someone in her 90’s though! And her makeup looked flawless.

My mum told me later that evening that the prime minister has been admitted to hospital with the virus. They’re trying to make out like it’s routine to take him in to hospital, but I can see this going rapidly downhill.
I guess that’s the kind of dark place that my thoughts are atm though. It’s something I get from my mum. I find myself sitting there wondering what I’d wear to different people’s funerals, who I’d sit with, etc etc, and then snap to like ‘wtf am I thinking this for?? They’re not even unwell, let alone dead!’.

I started to try to go to sleep at 10, because I was exhausted, but I could still feel my thoughts darting all over the place. I kept trying to bring my focus back to my sleep sounds, but it was a real challenge.

The side effects have definitely abated somewhat, but I’m still nowhere near 100% better.
I definitely didn’t feel as mentally good as I did the day before.
It’s going to be a slow process.

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