04/04/20 – The day that the fog began to lift

I woke up early, and wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself.
I’d spent the past few days lying in bed in my pyjamas surrounded by chocolate wrappers, so the first thing I did was to get rid of them and tidy up a bit.
I decided to have a coffee, because the previous two days, I hadn’t had one, and had fallen asleep in the morning.
I hadn’t planned on it, but as I stepped in to the shower I took my hair down and washed it (which for me, is a big every 7-10 days kinda deal).

Fresh hair

I also put some makeup on.
Then I sat down and did some writing.

After that, I watched an episode of Drag Race in my armchair, rather than in/on the bed, and then played the most epic game of online Risk EVER. Think it went on for about 1 hour 40 mins.
Had some lunch, and felt good that I’d managed to stay awake all morning.
After lunch, I watched an episode of Drag Race in my armchair again, and then spent all afternoon playing online Cluedo. It gave me great satisfaction to know that 5 strangers around the world were like ‘Oh damn, ‘Lucy’ beat me!’. Ha.

It was so absorbing, that the afternoon flew by super quickly. It was only towards the end that some paranoid thoughts started to creep in – leading up to evening dose of antipsychotic time.

I went downstairs just before dinner, and my parents were having a G&T (I didn’t join them for one this time!). I knew that I’d had a better day, but my parents really hammered it home to me.
My dad said that he wished he’d filmed me on Sunday, and then been able to show me the contrast. He said there had been no expression on my face, no eye contact, no nodding or responses to conversation, and that my tone of voice was without any intonation.
I still feel bad. I still feel paranoid and anxious. I still feel fragile. But I actually do feel somewhat improved.

We had a HUGE curry for dinner. I felt hungry beforehand, and I enjoyed it. A stark contrast to force feeding myself for the past few days through the nausea.

After dinner, I spent the evening watching Drag Race in bed.
One of the episodes was where the queens had to create two looks – them at their best, and then their inner saboteur.
RuPaul said that she often sees and hears hers telling her she’s not good enough, and that no one really likes her. She just says to those voices ‘thanks for sharing’, then she moves on. She had some really valuable advice for the queens – ‘look, but don’t stare’. Acknowledge those thoughts, that inner saboteur and what she’s saying, but don’t indulge in them. The difficulty is, sometimes I don’t even know that my inner saboteur is there, and that those thoughts aren’t real.
I thought about what my inner saboteur would be like, and that might be something that I explore one day.
What would she look like, and what would she be saying?

As bedtime approached, I felt paranoid and anxious thoughts creeping in, and really tried to focus on my sleep sounds once the time came to sleep, but it was really difficult. Took me quite a while to drop off.

I suffered virtually no side effects from my new antidepressants today.
It was also the first time in a while that I could bear to look at my reflection in the mirror.
I definitely feel the fog lifting, but there’s still a long way to go.

I think a lot of my anxieties today came from the fact that I am improving. Once I am feeling better, I have a lot of demons to face, and that’s pretty overwhelming. But I hope that in time, I’ll feel strong enough to not only tackle them, but actively want to SLAY them.
I just need to keep reminding myself of that, and not let my inner saboteur hamper my recovery because I am afraid of those demons that await me.

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