03/04/20

I had total ‘Risk’ dreams, where I was on a holiday on this train line that went over the sea all around the southern hemisphere – from Argentina, to South Africa, to Australia, and all the way round back to Argentina. It was pretty cool, but also really scary, because who wouldn’t be scared of a train line going across the Pacific/Atlantic?
I woke up pretty much every 4 hours on the dot, until it was finally morning.

I spent the morning feeling pretty bad, and pretty paranoid. I can’t really remember about what, but I wrote it down in my notes.
Because watching Drag Race had worked so well for me the day before, I decided to spend the day just doing that. My faint episode the night before had really freaked me out too, so I didn’t want to move too far from my bed.

I had another big slump in the morning. It got to about 12:30 and I decided I’d sleep until lunchtime at 1, but ended up sleeping through until 4, when I woke up and just started watching Drag Race again.

My mum came upstairs, and said that she guessed I wasn’t in the mood for steak, as was the plan. I said that I am always in the mood for steak, and it’s actually one of my ‘go to’ nausea foods.
I remember when I was hungover AF in London after this beer festival I’d been working with my friend, and she had to talk me out of buying a raw steak from Tesco to eat on the street.
I fucking love steak.

Dinner was really good, but it felt like I was force feeding myself. I’m so nauseous from the side effects of my new medication, that it feels like I’m constantly full.
You know that feeling, where you’ve had a huge dinner, but you still have a dessert and it makes you feel really sick? Eating atm feels just like that, even if I’ve not had anything to eat all day (as was the case here).

I spent the evening watching Drag Race (what a surprise), and my stomach was just in bits from my new medication, so it was a pretty rough evening.

I was all set to go to sleep, when the lip synch came on at the end of the episode, and the song chosen was Carly Rae Jepsen – Cut To The Feeling.
I fucking love CRJ, but I haven’t been able to listen to her since the breakup, because actually pretty much all her songs are about love.
That made me really sad.
So I had to start from scratch with a new episode, to try and push those feelings to the back of my mind.

Even with medication, and my sleep sounds, although I was exhausted, I found it really difficult to sleep. My thoughts were darting here there and everywhere, and my heart was beating out of my chest.

Like I’ve said before, these side effects should only last for a little while, and mine are very much exacerbated because of the multitude of psychiatric medications I am on atm, so please don’t let this be a horror story for anyone starting antidepressants.
I’m really hoping that soon my body gets used to it, and that fog in my brain begins to lift. I’m really looking forward to my appointment with the consultant too, because hopefully I can start to chop down some of my medications that I’m not sure are doing a lot for me atm – namely my mood stabilisers – and that might make me feel physically better.

Just playing the waiting game for now, and trying to keep myself busy.
Stay safe everyone x

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