02/04/20 v2

Woke up, and remembered that the Crisis Team were coming to visit that morning. My mum had made me a telephone appointment with the GP, just to check in, and to renew my sick note, so I did that first off.

After that, it was only 10AM, and I’d been awake for just over an hour, but I was so tired that I decided to go back to sleep until the Crisis Team arrived.

Instead, the Crisis Team called. They’ve stopped doing face to face appointments wherever possible, because of the virus.
She let me know that I’ve got a telephone appointment in a couple of weeks with the consultant psychiatrist at the local mental resource centre. It’s an hour and a half long – a full assessment. When I told my Dad, he punched the air and went ‘YES!’.

After that, I fell back to sleep, and was woken again a little while later by a call from my solicitor. They wanted to know my position on moving at the moment, and if I would like to continue to exchange and complete ASAP or wait until after lockdown.
I said I was keen to move forward. The sooner I can get my fresh start rolling, the better. At the moment I am living with my parents, and I don’t at least have the option not to until the sale goes through. They said they would check in with the vendors, and she e-mailed later to let me know that although they are still living there, if they can secure removals, they’re all set to complete ASAP too.

I fell back to sleep AGAIN, until my mum woke me up at 1PM. My Dad made me some cheese on toast for lunch, and I read through my post.
I had a registration letter from my new GP, an appointment letter from the consultant, and my discharge summary from the hospital…

The discharge summary really pissed me off.

They can have their opinions about my diagnosis etc, fine. But some of the facts were just straight up wrong.
They wrote that in the events leading up to my admission there had been a police helicopter looking for me.
There was never a fucking helicopter.
They also wrote that in the days leading up to my admission, I had written about my plans for suicide on this blog.
It was like when the consultant discharged me, and told me that I had written my ex an e-mail threatening to kill myself if he left me.
And the last thing I want for my new consultant to think, is that I am that attention seeking, manipulative person.

It just makes me really nervous that the new consultant is going to read this discharge summary, and all of my other notes before meeting me, and we aren’t even meeting face to face because of the virus.
I really hope he takes me seriously, and believes what I say.

I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Drag Race in bed, and then went downstairs when it was dinner time.

My parents were having a G&T and were like ‘oh damn, you caught us!’. I said I was jealous, and my Dad offered to make me a little tiny one, like a half measure, and I was like, ‘you know what? Yes!’.
It felt good to do something actually normal!
My Dad, the consultant psychiatrist, said that all it would do would make me a bit sleepy, which I said wasn’t a bad thing, seeing as I’d pretty much slept til 1PM.

For dinner, we had pizza. I can’t remember the last time I had pizza, which is really weird, cuz I spend all my working days staring at them at the bar.

My parents talked about how it is their Ruby Wedding anniversary on Tuesday, and that they want to celebrate.
I felt a bit like a gooseberry.
It’s also a reminder that I’m so suddenly alone, with no chance of a Ruby anniversary, let alone a Ruby wedding anniversary.
My mum said that she recognised all of this, before I even said anything. But they both reminded me that without their marriage, I wouldn’t exist, and said they want to get my brother and sister in law on a video call so we can all celebrate together as a family.
I still wish that I wasn’t impinging on their occasion, and that they could celebrate without feeling they have to tiptoe around me.

I watched a bit of Drag Race in bed, but then in a group chat I’m in, it was eluded to that there was some kind of online party going on that evening, that obviously I wasn’t invited to.
I know I’m not invited because they know I’m not ready for it. I can’t handle it. But it still hurts to know that I’m missing out on so many things.

I had a bangin’ headache, so went downstairs to ask for some painkillers.
When I got downstairs, I felt a bit wobbly, and like all the blood had left my head. We went back upstairs, and my mum hunted for the painkillers in her bedroom. As I was standing on the landing, I felt so nauseous, cold, and sweaty. Everything started spinning, and I knew that if I didn’t get to the floor, I was just going to stack it. My mum came out with the medication, and I went straight to my bed as fast as I could. As I lay down, the loudest screaming was going on in my ears – louder than any fire alarm, and I felt as if there was no blood anywhere in my body.

I called the house phone afterwards, cuz I was scared to get up again. My mum came up, and I told her what had happened. She said it could be the meds, or the (half measure of) gin, or sometimes she has had it in the past when she felt really strong emotion.

By this time, it was only 8:30, so I’d only been awake for 7.5 hours, but I put my sleep sounds on, and went to sleep for the night.

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