30/03/20 – My first day of antidepressants

Woke up at 7:30 after a really good dream where everything went back to normal after all of this. I wanted to return to it, so ended up sleeping until 9:30. Didn’t really see the point in getting up anyway.

My morning view

My mum woke me up and told me she’d got a telephone appointment with the GP at 10. So I got up, made a coffee, and waited for the call.

The headline on the newspaper is that this lockdown could end up lasting for 3 months – until June – and that things may not return to normal for another 6 months (and I know that one of the last things to happen will be the bar re-opening).
I really hope that’s not the case. Not just for my sanity, but for the sakes of my friends too.

The GP was very understanding, and prescribed all my medication without hesitation, then my mum went out to pick them up.

I did a bit of writing. You can find my weekly mood report here…https://lucysback.com/2020/03/30/weekly-mood-report-23-03-20-29-03-20/

My mum returned with all my meds and well over a week’s worth of shopping. So, none of us three have to go out for a while now, which is great.

I took my first antidepressant, and then we had some lunch.
Side effects that I can expect in the next few days are feeling super nauseous, sleep disruption (which I’m experiencing anyway), an upset stomach, and some blinding headaches. Add these in with my current mix of meds though, and God knows how I’m going to feel. It’s not going to be great, I know that much, so my plans for the next few days are just to watch Netflix, play some games, and take care of my physical health.
It’s likely that they’ll take a few weeks to start working, so I’m in for a rough time.
I just hope it’s worth it at the end of it.

I spent quite a bit of the afternoon playing Risk online with strangers, using the online chat function, which was good fun, and really absorbing.

After my 4PM meds I felt unbelievably tired, so I had a coffee, which in hindsight was a bad idea. I then set up for the evening to watch Drag Race.

Dinner was some pasta. I ate at the table with my parents, as I always do.
My Dad’s registration as a doctor expired 2 years ago, so he’s eligible to be called up for service for the NHS. He said that he can choose to opt out, which he has already taken care of, and I am so glad. He is asthmatic and in his late 60’s – I would really worry about him if he wasn’t in self-isolation right now. I’m worried enough as it is.

As the evening went on, I started to feel really unwell. I had such an upset stomach, and I know it’s because of the new medication.

The Crisis Team had said that they were going to call in the evening, and as time wore on, I became more resigned to the fact that they wouldn’t, but just before 9, they did!
They asked how things had gone with the GP, and said they were really glad that I was on the medication that I need. They generally asked how things are going, and let me know that someone is coming out to see me on Thursday, just to check in. They told me that I have been referred to the Local Mental Health Team, so I can be under the care of a consultant at the local resource centre.
The aftercare this time has been incredible. So much better than the last time I was discharged from hospital! Even though I have been discharged, I am still being well looked after by community services, which is very reassuring. They reminded me of the 24/7 number, and said I could call any time if I need them.

As the evening passed, I began to feel increasingly anxious. I hate the thought of going to sleep and just being on my own with my thoughts rattling around my head. I also get so worried about what dreams I might have. They are always so vivid, and if I have a bad one it sets me up so terribly for the next day.

I took my sleeping pill at about 9:30, and when I tried to sleep an hour later, I just couldn’t.
My heart was beating out of my chest, all of my muscles were tense, and my thoughts kept darting from one thing to the next.
I felt panicked.
Another side effect of my new medication.
(It’s worth saying at this point that the side effects tend to last for a week or so, and then settle down massively, so I know that this isn’t forever.)

I tried for a good half an hour or so to get to sleep, and felt like I was in hell. Eventually I had to get up anyway, because I was being so physically unwell. I decided to take some more sedating medication (on top of my sleeping pill), and watch some more Netflix until it kicked in.

Like I said, I’m in for a really rough few days. But at least I feel like it’s progress. Even though I’m sitting around doing nothing, feeling really fucking unwell, there is hopefully light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like something is being done, and getting me to the place I need to be so that I can engage in the work that I need to do to get back on top.

My blog posts for the next few days are probably going to be fairly boring…
Got up, watched Drag Race, played Risk, felt really unwell, went to bed…
Until tomorrow. Stay safe everyone x

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