Woke up after some really bizarre dreams (too bizarre to even start to write about), and was really discombobulated after the clocks changing.
Spent my morning absolutely mad paranoid. Like I said in yesterday’s post, at this particular time, I really miss being in the group chats that I was a part of (there were tons), but my ex is in all of them, and I know how much that will mess me up atm. Regardless of that, I don’t even think I’d be strong enough for them right now, because they can be really overwhelming. But at the same time, I feel really left out. Bit of a catch 22.
Also, when I message people individually, I feel like a burden. One on one conversation is always a load more intense too – same as one on one conversations in person. It’s always easier when you’re part of a group.
I messaged my girlfriends, and one of them set up a new group chat for us with just a few people in. We also arranged to have a video call in the afternoon.
Spent a bit of time playing games on my tablet, and had some quick lunch with my family.
Both times that I played Cluedo, I got a hunch about who, where, and what with, on my first turn, and my guesses were pretty much spot on.
I couldn’t help thinking, if I have a gut feeling about something like this, and it’s right, who is to say that my other hunches aren’t right?
I felt really anxious before the video call, but it was good to see my friends faces. We were on for about an hour. Most of the chat was about lockdown, and how we’re filling our time. It felt reassuring to know that I’m not the only one feeling a bit lost.
It was really odd that they were talking about how much they were drinking. It’s something I haven’t really thought about at all. I realised that I haven’t had a drink for 7 weeks, which is probably the longest time in my adult life, possibly even longer than when I was pregnant. Someone asked me if I missed it, and I honestly don’t. It’s like if you have a stomach upset, you don’t really want to eat, because you feel so unwell. It’s the same as that, but with my brain.
The lovely nurse from the Crisis Team came to see me at about 4:30, and we spoke about how I’ve found the last few days. I told her that everything just seems completely pointless and hopeless. The novelty of leaving hospital has worn off, and now I’m in such a shite place, feeling unable to do the work that I need to do.
Halfway through the meeting, my parents came through, we talked about the possibility of me being depressed, and she said that it was very clear to her that I am.
Depression is not just ‘feeling sad’ (which tbh, I do), but it is…
The symptoms of depression can be complex and vary widely between people. If you’re depressed, you may feel sad, hopeless and lose interest in things you used to enjoy.NHS
The symptoms persist for weeks or months and are bad enough to interfere with your work, social life and family life. There are many other symptoms of depression and you’re unlikely to have all of those listed on this page.
The psychological symptoms of depression include:
continuous low mood or sadness
feeling hopeless and helpless having low self-esteem
feeling irritable and intolerant of others
having no motivation or interest in things
finding it difficult to make decisions
not getting any enjoyment out of life
feeling anxious or worried having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself
The physical symptoms of depression include:
moving or speaking more slowly than usual
changes in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
unexplained aches and pains
lack of energy low sex drive (loss of libido)
changes to your menstrual cycle
disturbed sleep – for example, finding it difficult to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning
The social symptoms of depression include:
avoiding contact with friends and taking part in fewer social activities
neglecting your hobbies and interests
having difficulties in your home, work or family life
Severities of depression
Depression can often come on gradually, so it can be difficult to notice something is wrong. Many people try to cope with their symptoms without realising they’re unwell. It can sometimes take a friend or family member to suggest something is wrong.
Doctors describe depression by how serious it is:
mild depression – has some impact on your daily life
moderate depression – has a significant impact on your daily life
severe depression – makes it almost impossible to get through daily life; a few people with severe depression may have psychotic symptoms
Grief and depression
It can be difficult to distinguish between grief and depression. They share many of the same characteristics, but there are important differences between them.
Grief is an entirely natural response to a loss, while depression is an illness.
People who are grieving find their feelings of sadness and loss come and go, but they’re still able to enjoy things and look forward to the future.
In contrast, people who are depressed constantly feel sad. They find it difficult to enjoy anything or be positive about the future.
I am suffering a grieving period, no doubt about it. But I see zero hope for the future. From my menstrual cycle being completely fucked, to not being able to make any decisions, to being irritable with everyone around me, this is pretty much what I’m living with atm, and think I probably have been since about October.
It is something that they completely failed to see in hospital. I was feeling hopeless, negative, and like my existence was pointless. But all they saw was someone with BPD, rather than someone with BPD who is suffering a depression.
If I think back to when I was at work, I was struggling to concentrate, struggling to motivate myself, seeing everything very negatively, and spending every day off I had just drinking in bed for the whole day. I rarely socialised, and I wasn’t taking care of myself at all.
On the occasions where I tried to take my life, everyone saw my diagnosis and were like ‘oh *eye roll* borderline’, rather than ‘oh here’s someone so depressed that they want to complete their life’.
My diagnosis has become a label. One which people have been unable to see past.
She has bumped up my referral to the consultant from Wednesday to Monday, and has told me to phone my GP in the morning, and re-commence my antidepressants, which I came off in 2018 because I was feeling so ‘well’.
I see a glimmer of hope from this. If antidepressants can’t sort me out, and get me in the place that I need to be to get my life back on track, I’m not really sure what will. I know how well they have helped me to feel in the past, and I would give anything to feel like that again.
At this point, I’m willing to give anything a try.
I spent the rest of the day watching Drag Race in bed, and only popped downstairs to have some dinner. M&S steak pie with a potato and veg, which was pretty bangin’ tbf.
During the evening, I felt awful, so I kept myself fairly strongly medicated.
I knew that if I wasn’t at my parents, with that pressure to be stable for them, I’d be in a very bad place.
I feel like I just want to go crazy. I want to scream, and shout, and cry, and hurt myself, but I’ve got a lid on all of that, which I suppose is a positive to come out of discharge.
But at the same time, it’s in this pot with a lid on, just simmering away, and I’m really worried that eventually it won’t just let off some steam, it will completely boil over.
Tomorrow, I recommence antidepressants. It will be a rough few days, as I know how shite they can make you feel, but it’s a fresh start.
Treating what is actually wrong with me at the moment, rather than this label that blinds everyone to what is actually happening.