28/03/20

Woke up early to open the curtains, but then fell back to sleep, because daylight.
Got up pretty late, still feeling really fragile from the night before – loads of random paranoid thoughts roaming around my head. Once they’re in there, they’re hard to shake.

TOOK MY MEDICATION and got ready for the day, even though it felt like a huge effort, and those paranoid thoughts kept persisting.

Had a lot of messages waiting from the night before, so replied to those. I’m really glad that I reached out, and that I’m not alone in feeling a bit useless and lost rolling around the house.

Did some writing, but after that I wasn’t really sure what to do with my day. In the hospital, I would pretty much spend my morning getting ready and writing, my evenings watching Netflix, but I’m struggling to think of what I did with my afternoons…

In hospital it at least felt like I was making progress. I had weekly meetings with my therapist, and the doctors, but here it just feels like everything has stopped. I’m definitely not in the mindset to be tackling my books and doing the work that I know I need to do, which makes me feel a bit useless, because I know that’s what I need to do to get well, but I just can’t do it at the moment.
If I do, it won’t go in. My brain is already saturated, it can’t physically absorb anything else atm.

I saw a nurse from the Crisis Team on Wednesday, and am due to see her again on Sunday, so that’s pretty much four days of waiting for some kind of progress. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware that people are dying, but I am really struggling. I am not likening my crisis to Coronavirus, but 1 in 10 people with my condition take their lives, which is a 10 x higher morbidity rate than the virus. I am doing my bit to help the NHS by keeping myself well out in the community rather than as an inpatient, but I feel like I’m constantly on a tightrope, just hoping I don’t fall off.

My parents spent their morning cleaning the patio, and then they set the table nicely for lunch. I just couldn’t help thinking ‘what is the point?’. I’m surely that a lot of people are finding meaningless in their existence atm, but I am feeling it really intensely, to the point of wondering why I’m even bothering to eat.

I know that probably the largest reason for that is that the bar is closed.

When it was open, I felt guilt for not being there, and even though no one was pressuring me, there was a pressure on me from myself to get well, so I could return to my job. I knew that I was being missed, that my absence was putting extra pressure on the team, and that they were awaiting my return. Now that’s not even there anymore. I’m not unemployed, but I don’t have a job to go back to right now, so what’s the point?
Fucking everything is on hold – my job, my recovery, my flat purchase, my life – and I cannot stand it.
I just want to make some progress.

I am fairly sure that I am depressed. In hindsight, I think I have been for a while. If I was going about my day to day life atm, I would go to the GP and ask to be put on antidepressants again (for probably about the 7th time in my life). I said this to the consultant in hospital, but she was really hesitant to do that because of my current mix of medication. It’s something I’m going to talk to the nurse about when she next comes to see me, and then hope that when she meets with the consultant to review my case, they listen to her on my behalf.
My place of business has closed, my relationship broke down, I haven’t heard from a great deal of my friends in a while… who wouldn’t be depressed?
I am aware that I suffer from BPD, but that doesn’t mean I can’t also become depressed. It’s something that I think all of the medics that I have seen so far have missed big time, and that because my moods can swing so rapidly, they haven’t really taken me seriously.

I took an online test for depression, and I scored 53 out of 63, with 31 being the threshold for very high.
I need some more help, or I am never going to get well. This is going to sound ridiculously dramatic, but every moment of my life right now feels absolutely agonising. The only reason I am keeping going is for my parents. I don’t want to make their lives any more difficult right now than it has to be.

In the afternoon, I played some online Risk, which was good. It’s better to play against real people rather than the AI characters, because they actually play properly. I couldn’t do it when I was in hospital, because the wifi was so shite.

I then realised what might make me feel a load better – I drafted a complaints letter about the callous way that the consultant discharged me and reduced my meds.

I also had a chat to my (ex medic) parents about how I was feeling, and they feel very strongly that my medication needs adjusting, to include some kind of antidepressant. I shared the letter that I’d written with them, and they wholeheartedly agreed with what I had written. We’ve agreed that I’ll send it when I’m well, and have maybe made some progress, where everything isn’t quite so raw, and I’ll probably be taken a bit more seriously.

After that, my mum and I went people dodging in the woods. Since everyone has been advised not to travel to beauty spots, pretty much everyone in our neighbourhood is using the woods behind my parents’ house to get their daily exercise, and I really don’t feel much like seeing people atm.

I spent quite a lot of the afternoon returning more messages, and then played a bit more Risk.

At this particular time, I really miss being in the group chats that I was a part of (there were tons), but my ex is in all of them, and I know how much that will mess me up atm. He probably doesn’t want any contact with me either, and I want to do what’s best for him too. But, I feel quite left out – really out on a limb. And when I message people individually, I feel like a burden. One on one conversation is always a load more intense too – same as one on one conversations in person. It’s always easier when you’re just part of a group conversation.
I feel so lost.

For dinner, we had curry. And when I say curry, I mean two different types of curry, rice, naan, and loads of different chutneys and pickles.

My dad and I shared this one from M&S called ‘the hot one’, with 5 chillies on the packet. It did exactly what it said on the tin, and my palate is just not used to it after 5 weeks of NHS meals. We had ice cream after (because my mouth was on FIRE), and I stayed downstairs to talk to them a bit afterwards. It was good to want to talk to people, because I don’t really feel like that a lot atm.

By then, it was 8PM, so I took myself to bed to watch Drag Race, drink tea, and eat chocolate.
It took me ages to get to sleep though. I couldn’t shake my dark and paranoid thoughts, and I could feel my heart beating out of my chest as I was lying there, even though I’d taken my sleeping pill.

All in all, a pretty crap day. Really looking forward to my meeting with the nurse. I just want to make some progress.

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