I feel like I’ve been chucked off a ferry, and in to a lifeboat that just has me and my parents in it.
I was surrounded by people, and now it’s just us 3 out at sea on our own.
I didn’t realise it, but I had a huge support network in hospital, and now it’s gone.
Someone was steering the boat for me. I was on the journey, and sometimes I helped to steer, but someone else was taking the lead and supervising me.
Now I have to steer for myself, and I have no idea where to begin.
If I get it wrong, I might end up going in the wrong direction, or falling overboard, or sinking the boat entirely, with my parents on it, so there’s that added pressure.
I have absolutely no direction. My existence feels pretty pointless.
I’m sure that a lot of people are feeling that way right now though, right?
I’m not alone in this feeling, surely?
This is a natural reaction to lockdown, right?
I feel like it’s just probably massively exacerbated by the fact that I’m having a mental health crisis, and was feeling relatively useless anyway.
I know I needed to find a purpose. A direction to steer that boat in. A reason for existing.
But I have no idea what that is.
I need a project that I can sink my teeth in to. I need a direction. Something that really matters.
In hospital, on the ferry, my goal was to get well. That was the direction that we were going in – wellness island!
That is still my goal, that is still my destination. But it seems like being out of hospital has put it on the backburner. It’s spun the compass right round, I’m not really sure where I am anymore, so reaching my destination doesn’t feel so pertinent anymore. I’m not really sure which direction it’s even in.
I’m just trying to survive and not sink my boat, with my family on it.
I’m sure that I’m in the same situation as most of the nation right now – sitting around, waiting for the country to return to normal.
I feel really lost.
I’ve thought about looking at my therapy workbooks, but I’m worried.
What if I accidentally go too deep, push myself too far, trigger myself, and end up in crisis? If I steer the boat wrong, there’s no one to take the wheel back and set us back on course.
It’s all down to me. And that’s really scary.
I have no idea what to do. At the moment, I’m just lost at sea.