Like I said, I felt like I spent the whole night having a panic attack.
I had really weird dreams. I think Marilyn Manson was my boyfriend?
I woke up at 6:30 feeling really bad, really panicked. But somehow managed to get back to sleep after opening my curtains (I sleep loads better in the daylight).
I eventually got up at 9:30, and it turns out my parents were waiting for me to do a load of things so they could get on with their day.
The first thing I had to do was buy a prescription pre-payment certificate online (mine has run out), because my mum was about to go and collect 7 items for me, which would have cost about £70.
The second thing I had to do was call the ward, and 100% check that the stuff I’d left behind was there, so my dad could go and collect it (what a superstar).
I phoned the ward, and got through to someone who was obviously agency staff. She had no idea about my things, and told me that I couldn’t go collect them anyway because the ward was on lockdown. I told her that I couldn’t get dressed, because I’d left all my underwear behind, and that I really needed my things, even if it was just a case of chucking them out a window for my dad to catch.
A few minutes later, they phoned me back, and thankfully said they had all my stuff ready to collect whenever, so my Dad set off to the city (superstar).
After all that life admin, I went and sat down the bottom of the garden and had a coffee.
My mum went out to collect my medication, her medication, and some groceries, so I was in the house completely on my own.
My mum kept checking before she left ‘Are you sure you’ll be OK? Are you sure you’ll be OK?’, and I reassured her that I’d be fine.
It felt really strange though, to have absolutely no one around. I’m used to it in my flat, but after the past few weeks of having someone constantly around, it was really bizarre.
I got ready, for literally no reason at all – I’m not going anywhere. But I know it always makes me feel better to get showered, dressed and put some slap on, so I’m trying to keep that up.
I did some writing, and then had absolutely no idea what to do with my day.
My mum came back, and she’d bought some muthafuckin’ STEAK! That is very exciting.
I had left some craft supplies in my room from when I cleared it out, and decided to go through them.
Balls of tangled wool, threads everywhere, random thimbles and crochet hooks… I had no idea what to do with them, so I separated them in to bags and just put them under my table.
Everything was so overwhelming.
We had some lunch – a jacket potato – and I still felt really overwhelmed, and unsure with what to do with my time.
I didn’t really have much to do with my time in hospital either, but somehow the days felt fuller, more purposeful, and the time passed by relatively well.
Now that I am out of hospital, why does my existence feel so pointless?
I took some medication, because I was feeling awful, and then watched some Drag Race.
I figured that if I had a nap, I might wake up and feel ‘reset’, so I did that.
I woke up 2 and a half hours later to a banging noise, and I had no idea what it was. It carried on, so I texted my parents to ask what it was.
I got no reply, so I decided to go and check it out. Turns out it was my mum tapping a wooden spatula on the side of a saucepan while she was making bolognese. That it how silent it is here, and how finely tuned my senses are. I could hear a fucking spatula being tapped on a saucepan from all the way upstairs.
Once I knew what the noise was, I felt a bit better., but I spoke to my parents about how shite I was feeling, and how I thought it was mostly because I had a terrible night’s sleep. They told me that I should probably keep on with my sleeping pills.
The bar closed.
The whole country is on lockdown.
I was discharged suddenly.
Now is not the time to take away any of my medication.
I decided to get in to my PJs, and spend the rest of the day watching Netflix in bed.
I got up for dinner – the bolognese – and I was so hungry, because my meds super increase my appetite. By the time I’d finished, my mum had taken like 2 bites, but that’s probably also because she spends a lot of meal times talking! Bless her.
I was watching Drag Race, when my mum came to my room to tell me about #clapforcarers, and that the whole street was out giving the NHS a round of applause. I went to the front door, and it was so weird.
The street was silent, no traffic or anything, just people randomly clapping.
I know that I for one super appreciate the NHS. We are so fortunate.
They fed me, medicated me, and gave me a bed for just over 5 weeks. They gave me so much psychological support during a really tough time. And the worst is yet to come for them.
It was quite emotional.
I spent the rest of the evening watching Drag Race, and it felt really odd.
On the ward, I could always hear other people, and someone would poke their head round to check on me every hour.
I didn’t feel quite so alone.
I knew that I was surrounded by 15 other women going through a similar thing to me. Whereas here, aside from my parents, I’m on my own. No one close to me is going through what I am.
Because of that, I went downstairs to watch the news at 10, but it just filled me with anxiety.
What if someone I know gets ill? What if they die?
It’s such a scary time.
All I can do is just stay here, isolated, and hope that no one gets sick.
I really hope that everyone I know, that everyone I care about, is doing the same.
Stay safe everyone. Please. x