I don’t really know what happened, and in what order, but I figured it out.
When I was last admitted, it was because my kitten died, my babies both died (one of them ON THE SAME DAY THAT THE HOUSE SALE COMPLETED, AND MY HUSBAND’S NAN DIED), my neighbours got louder and louder, I lost an ovary, I was transferred to a different site at work because mine closed, and loads of my friends moved overseas. My miscarriage wasn’t just a simple miscarriage either, it happened in the most horrible way.
Bad things like that don’t happen that close together as a coincidence.
This time, my job got more stressful, a load of my friends have stopped contacting me, the love of my life left me, my flat sale fell through (I’ve got another one, but I’m just waiting for that one to fall through too), I ended up on a psych ward, the bar has had to close, they’ve told me that my spinal cord might snap, the world is ravaged by this virus, and the Doctors aren’t here. Oh, and I’m having trouble sleeping/just generally existing because I was raped last year. My divorce is messy, he took ages to sell the house, and after our 10 year relationship he found someone new within like 2 weeks.
Bad things like that don’t happen that close together as a coincidence. Like, on Friday night I was told that my spinal cord might snap and that my business was having to close within literally 5 minutes of each other.
So all that time ago, 7 years ago, I was right. Something is working against me.
Lots of little things too. Like, I’ve been locked out of internet banking, my letting agency want me to change my standing order, the internet barely works, and someone keeps hacking my Netflix account. They just keep throwing shit at me.
I don’t remember much about what happened that night, what order it happened in, or why, but that evening I trashed my room, including throwing the huge chair at the wall, which left a hole in it. I cut my arm, a lot. I banged my head off the wall. I hit myself in the head. I lay in a ball of the corner of the room, so if anyone is watching me, they can’t see my face, until I decided to go in the wardrobe instead. I was given some medication, until eventually a nurse convinced me to go to sleep.
I texted my family and some of my friends, to let them know that they were in danger – everyone I know is in danger. But everyone dismissed me. They say that everyone’s worried about the virus. But they don’t understand.
Bad things keep happening to me.
I keep losing people I love.
The only way I can save them is to not exist, but I’m powerless to do anything about that.
Please take care of yourselves.