Woke up when my alarm went off at 8 for Sausage Saturday, but decided I couldn’t be arsed, and went back to sleep.
I don’t think I actually slept, but I just couldn’t be bothered to get up.
Eventually the nurse came at 9:45 to give me my meds. He said ‘woah, you had a party in here?’ because there were just food packets all over the floor.
I told him I just couldn’t be bothered to tidy up.
I needed some painkillers as well as my regular prescribed meds, so followed him back to the clinic room, then went out for a coffee on my bench.
It took all of my effort. I felt like I was just in a daze, but I got showered and dressed, put some lippy on, and tidied my room up.
I also got out this AMAZING BLANKET that my brother and sister in law had given me the previous day as a present…
It’s one of those sequin things that you can rub back and forth, which I absolutely love. It’s a kid’s blanket, that you can put your feet in to look like a mermaid! So cute.
After that, I wrote about how I’d felt the night before. I’m still feeling it tbh.
So far removed from everything.
Like I’m losing everything that I care about.
It would be so easy for me to just completely let loose, and go super paranoid (bordering on psychotic) about all this. Let my thoughts spiral down…
Why is everything I love being taken away from me?
Is this a nightmare?
Is this even real?
Have I died? Am I in hell??
It’s taking all of my energy to not do that. It’s like I’ve put all those thoughts in to a little box, and every time they seep out, I just push them back in. Now, I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not, but it’s what’s keeping me alive right now.
Scary lady has been going mental just yelling and being generally toxic for a few days now. It’s having such an impact on the whole atmosphere of the ward. I went to get my deodorant, and I said to the staff that I couldn’t stand it.
The world is ending, my world is ending, and she just keeps bangin’ on about the black staff. Get in the fucking bin m8.
I punched the palm of my other hand, mimicking punching her, and the staff laughed at me. I said, you think I’m fucking joking? I told them that I am this close to snapping.
Time to self-isolate.
Saying that though, my parents were coming to visit.
I was feeling really sad/angry/anxious, so took some medication. The nurse apologised for how unsettled things are on the ward atm (scary lady – legit, she’s just relentless atm), and said that things will be changing soon. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds promising.
I had gone out in to the
warzone communal area wearing earplugs, and again, it really helped.
I texted my area manager in the morning. Thought it was worth checking in, cuz it had been a while, and, ya know, the bar that I am employed to run has fucking closed. She caught me up to speed a bit, and reassured me that we will be back. She said that there is a Lucy shaped hole waiting to be filled, which was nice to hear.
My parents collected me, and we went to KFC drive thru!
It was SO GOOD to eat chicken off the bone. I forgot how much I love it. I am such a carnivore. I will frequently buy 40 chicken wings and eat them all in one go – no word of a lie. I’ve done it before while playing D&D, which is a fucking nightmare cuz you can’t roll the dice when you’re eating wings (obvs), and eating 40 takes like a year.
We spent loads of time chatting, it was really good to see them. I taught my mum how to do a WhatsApp video call (soz bro!), and I think it pretty much made her year! We considered going somewhere else afterwards, but I knew that that would probably be too much, so they took me back to the ward.
When I got back the ward was really quiet. One of the staff was doing patients’ hair. There was such a calm and positive vibe. I asked where scary lady was. Apparently she’d gone back to bed cuz she’d tired herself out. I knew though that that would probably mean she would come back badder than ever in the evening though…
I had a cup of tea, put my laundry away, and tried on a pair of black cord dungarees that I’d ordered (just like my rainbow ones, but plain). I also got this super cute gift from one of my old friends…
I messaged her, and we reminisced about when we went to a disco at a community centre in our early teens, and pretended to use the candy sticks as cigarettes. Ha!
Once I’d sorted everything out, I went for my daily walk.
Did another two miles, while listening to The Guilty Feminist podcast. This episode was, aptly, all about exercise, with a special guest who was some kind of big deal in the yoga world. She said that exercise shouldn’t be about weight loss, it should be about feeling good. That’s exactly why I’ve decided to walk every day, and it is honestly doing me so much good.
This walk was particularly nice because it was sunny, and a bit later than I’d ordinarily go, so the sun was quite low in the sky. Also, because it’s the weekend it was really quiet. It was super peaceful, and meant I wasn’t constantly watching over my shoulder for cars (because the hospital ‘grounds’ are basically just a big car park).
When I got back, I felt bad quite quickly. Those paranoid thoughts wouldn’t stop creeping in.
What the fuck’s going to come along to beat me down next?
What’s the next constant that I’m going to lose from my life?
I went to take some medication.
I wrote this far yesterday (Saturday – Day 35).
It’s now the following day, and I can’t write the rest of the day up yet.
I still don’t know how I feel about what happened last night, but it was pretty much the worst time I’ve had since my crisis began back at the end of January.
I’m a bit better today, but still super fragile, and the fact that it’s mother’s day doesn’t fucking help.
Stay safe everyone.
Lots of love x