This time in my last admission, I was ready for discharge.
This time is so much different.
This time I’ll get well.
This time will be my last time.
I had more bad tentacle dreams. My friend looked it up in the dream dictionary again.
Tentacles signify clinginess.
I slept like the dead though. I woke up at about 6AM on my back. I tend to lie on my back for a bit, then move to my side, then fall asleep. I obviously didn’t even make it that far last night. Still had my hoops in too.
Dragged myself out of bed, because it was Sausage Saturday. Otherwise, I probably would have stayed in bed. I felt so groggy.
By the time I was dressed and ready I felt OK – less groggy, and actually alright mentally.
I knew Legally Blonde would help.
I spent the morning doing some writing and texting my friends, including someone I hadn’t spoken to for years (he didn’t even know I had green hair). Obviously he had no idea what is going on with me atm. It has been quite refreshing to get a totally new perspective on everything.
Then I decided to clean my bathroom and dust my room.
The cleaners come in every day, but they don’t do a proper job. They pretty much just sweep the floor and clean the toilet.
Also, I find cleaning really therapeutic. It’s good to take something dirty and make it clean. It’s almost a bit like colouring.
In the morning I also took the raggedy version of my ‘Bucket of Overwhelm’ which we’d quickly done in my APIP appointment, and did a nice new one with felt tips.
I’ve put it up on my wall, just to remind me of how to cope, and also how much I do have going on, so it is OK to feel a bit overwhelmed sometimes.
You can read a bit more about the ‘Bucket of Overwhelm’ here ICYMI…
The girl who left last night has been replaced…
… and singing lady is back!
She said to me, ‘oh hi, I like your hair, I much prefer it like that’ (last time she saw me I had plaits in).
Bit of a backhanded compliment, but I’ll take it.
I played a bit of Cluedo while waiting for my parents to visit, but I was really aware of the time, and could feel myself getting a bit more anxious waiting for them.
As it turned out, I ended up losing. Clearly my thoughts were elsewhere.
We went out to McColl’s. There were a couple of guys walking around in front of me, and they were both really strange looking. One of them had huge long false nails on, and not in a fabulous drag queen way. He was using them to scratch his arse.
Let me be frank. I’m guna sound like a snobby dickhead, but the area that this hospital in is pretty grim. There’s a pub on the way to the McColl’s and it’s rough AF.
I walked around the shop, while the parent went and looked at things on their own, which was better than the three of us traipsing around all together.
We then went to the chippy.
There were 2 other customers in there, and it wasn’t clear who was serving who. There wasn’t very much ‘ready’ food either, and I didn’t want to have to wait for something to be fried, so was trying to choose from that.
The other customers in there were workmen, whereas my parents were wearing nice clothes, I have bright green hair and an expensive vintage coat, and my mum was wearing this sparkly backpack.
I felt like we just stuck out like sore thumbs.
My mum wanted chips, but half in one tray half in another tray and half a battered sausage in one and half a battered sausage in another, and tbh I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I could feel myself getting more anxious, and more frustrated.
I didn’t feel safe, I just wanted to get back to the hospital.
As soon as I got my food, I flew back to the hospital, way ahead of my parents, and went to find a bench to sit on, but all of them were wet. My parents found me and offered for me to sit in the car, or take me back to the ward.
I didn’t want to sit in the car, because it was too enclosed, but I didn’t want to go back to the ward either.
I said to them I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didn’t belong anywhere.
I started scratching the inside of my palm with my nails, but then remembered I had the sequin keyring in my pocket, so started touching that instead.
Eventually, we decided to go to the car, and we just ate in silence.
Afterwards I explained my thought processes and they said they completely understood, and not to be sorry (when I repeatedly apologised). They said that next time we can drive down the road a bit to the McDonald’s Drive Thru which I said might be a good idea.
Maybe even the town centre would be ok, but this strip of shops is just pretty grim – it’s not a nice area. The town’s not nice either, but at least there are a few more people.
I just felt very ‘focused on’, even though I’m sure half the people didn’t even notice me.
I’m so paranoid and socially anxious.
It’s times like that when I remember why I’m in hospital.
We had a bit more of a chat, and said goodbye.
When I got back to the ward I spoke to the nurse and took some medication.
She asked if I was surprising myself with how I’m dealing with things now, which I guess I am.
Just a few weeks ago, I would have been throwing my food everywhere, screaming, and scratching my neck and face. It probably would have got to the point where the emergency services were involved.
But this time, I managed to walk to a place of safety, breathe, stoke my keyring, calm down, and then articulate how I was feeling.
My mum had bought me a My Little Pony from my extensive collection, which was nice. She said that she picked her because she was glittery.
I wetted her hair and gave it a bit of a brush, cuz it was a fucking mess.
I was filling in my mood tracking app for the past few hours, when the cleaner came to do my room. While she was cleaning the radiator, she was like ‘Lucy, wtf is on your radiator?? It’s bubbling!’. I explained about the shower gel, and how the smelly lady is opposite me. I apologised and she said not to worry, just wondered what on earth it was!
Did some social media posts about the lovely visitors I’ve had recently, and then my friend texted me and asked if I fancied a game of online Risk. My initial placements were terrible so I was out within 20 minutes. I always really enjoy playing with him though, because we don’t really talk, but it’s nice to know that someone’s there.
Our score is 1-1 now. I need a glorious comeback!
Dinner was chicken tikka masala. It was OK. It reminded me of a bit of a shit microwave ready meal.
And dessert was rhubarb crumble, which is my fave crumble here, cuz it’s dead tart.
After dinner, I went in to my contraband box in the contraband cupboard, and there were some glorious rainbow soled converse shoes sitting on the side.
I said to the staff, omg they’re amazing.
She was like, what size are you? They’ve just been donated. Have ‘em.
I was like WTFFFF????
I grabbed them and ran back to my room, while hiding them from all the other patients.
I might hide them at the back of my wardrobe in case there’s been some kind of mistake.
They’re too good to be true FOR FREE!
I spent quite a bit of time texting my friends, which for the most part was good, but it began to remind me of the outside world again, so I stopped.
I felt quite anxious afterwards, so while I was watching Drag Race I had a MEGA double lolly (one of those huge ones). They’re so rough though, that my tongue was bleeding by the end of it. At least it distracted my thoughts for a while.
I kept checking in with the nurses, and getting medication when necessary.
It had been a pretty big day, so no wonder I was a bit anxious and paranoid.
The rest of the evening was fairly uneventful, except for that the singing lady keeps demanding attention THERE AND THEN, and to see a Doctor. It’s pretty clear that she’s here on a Section, and she does not agree with it.
She’s nice enough to me, but she is so harsh on the staff.
It’s really unnecessary, but I guess she’s only doing it because she’s really unwell.
I’ve got absolutely no plans for tomorrow, which could go one of two ways…
But my intention atm is to use a load of the presents I’ve been bought – face masks, foot masks, nail varnish, all that kind of stuff, and just spend the day on my own, being nice to myself.