Woke up at 6AM after more scary dreams in a bit of a panic. They’re now not so much about rollercoasters, but tentacles. Like huge octopus like ones.
I felt super paranoid, and really wished my ex was there, or that I could just talk to him.
Took out my earplugs, and drifted in and out of sleep til about 8AM.
Because of the way I’d felt when I woke up early, I really wanted to talk to people, so reached out to a few friends I hadn’t heard from for a bit.
Went through my morning routine (including washing my hair), but SCARY LADY WAS SITTING ON MY BENCH!
I swear, she’s everywhere I go. Just fuck off already!
Did a bit of writing, but had a knot in my stomach. I just couldn’t pinpoint it. It could have been because I was awaiting a visit from a friend in the afternoon who I hadn’t seen for a few weeks, but it just felt like something bad had/was just about to happen.
While I was writing, I heard raised voices, so paused my music and heard the wonderful phrase from scary lady…
‘I’m not racist! I’ve got a white baby and a brown baby’.
I also heard the girl who’d self-harmed shouting too. I think she’d probably confronted her about being a racist, and they were having an argument with each other.
I’m glad that someone confronted her, and I’m glad that person wasn’t me. It sounds really shitty, but I’d rather her turn her focus elsewhere – anywhere else but me.
For the whole time that I’ve been in hospital, Coronavirus has been a thing, but it’s really weird, because it doesn’t really feel like it’s a thing.
I’ve been checking in with work e-mails from time to time, and can see that everyone’s worried about the impact that the pandemic will have on sales.
My mum told me yesterday about how no one in Italy is even allowed outside, USA have closed most of their borders, shops are running out of toilet roll, and events are being cancelled left right and centre.
It’s so strange that this is all unfolding, and I’m just hidden away in here.
My mum warned me that it might get to the point where they can’t visit me anymore. I really hope it doesn’t come to that.
The nurses have started to get much more vigilant too – physical contact at a minimum, and spending a lot of their time gloved up.
It feels very surreal to me, because I’m in this little bubble on the ward.
Honestly though, if I think about it, it really doesn’t help with my paranoia and spiralling thoughts.
What if someone on the ward gets it?
What if someone I know gets it?
What if someone I know dies?
What if I die?
I said to my mum that a 1% mortality rate doesn’t seem like a lot, but she said that in context, that’s 6 million people in the UK, which is genuinely loads.
I know it sounds like a real stretch, but I’m really worried about my ex.
What if he gets it?
What if he gets really sick, or dies, and I don’t get to see him ever again?
I realise that’s super unlikely, but I can’t stop my thoughts spiralling.
Even though we aren’t together anymore, I still care about him more than anyone else in the whole world.
I still felt really anxious before lunch, so found a nurse, had a bit of a chat, and took some medication. Lunch was fish & chip Friday, so there were loads of people out for it. I had a bit of a chat to some of the patients, but went straight back to my room after.
I decided to have a look on Daylio (my mood tracking app) at what activities make me feel good, and what make me feel worse. Interestingly, I feel better when I’m around people. But maybe it’s just because I’m only around people when I feel good?
What’s the cause, and what’s the effect?…
I decided to play a bit of Risk, but was interrupted by a woman wanting to talk to me about my experience here. She was from an independent body; I think maybe an advocacy service.
She asked me loads of questions, like whether I felt safe, whether there are enough activities going on (no), whether I’ve been involved in my care plan, how much my family have been involved etc etc. I found the whole conversation very cathartic, and hopefully I’ve given some valuable feedback.
The main points that I got across were about how I have been involved in my own care plan and I’m super appreciative of that, the food is shite, there is a lack of activities, and the staff are absolutely wonderful, but there just aren’t enough of them.
Shortly after that, I had a visitor. Well, TWO visitors! My friend and her dog came, and we went for a bit of a walk around the carpark.
It was so good to see her, and be reminded that people care. She bought me pretzels, sweets, and this super cute Body Shop bundle.
I really enjoyed seeing her and Wally, but it was a huge reminder of the outside, and all the stresses that await me, which made me feel a bit anxious. I know I need to face it though, because otherwise I’ll never get back to real life.
I couldn’t help but ask if my ex was OK. She said that she thinks he misses me, and is frustrated because events keep getting cancelled because of Coronavirus, but that he thinks he’s done the best thing for me.
How wrong he is.
I feel bad for putting her in that position, I shouldn’t have done that, and I am sorry, but I just couldn’t help myself. When I got back to my room the words that she’d said kept rattling round my head, and I kept reading so deeply in to everything, picking everything apart.
I had a chat to one of the staff, and let them know I was having a difficult time.
I knew what it was time for…
It was time to crack out Legally Blonde.
I’ve been saving it for when I felt super shite about the breakup.
If you aren’t familiar with the film, here’s a brief summary…
Elle is a blonde sorority sister from Bel Air. She thinks her boyfriend is going to propose, but instead he dumps her because she’s too much of a bimbo and not serious enough for him. He’s going to Harvard study law, and his family have high expectations for him. She decides not to let the breakup get to her, and that she wants to get him back. She wants to prove that she is serious enough for him, so she follows him to Harvard to study law. Her ex already has a new fiancé, but she doesn’t let that knock her down. She forges new friendships, keeps looking fabulous, and works super hard to be a respectable law student.
As it turns out, she’s really good at it, and her ex ends up asking for her back, which is what she wanted all along. But she shuns him, because she realises that she doesn’t need him – she’s found her calling, something she’s really good at, and she’s better than him.
It’s such an uplifting film. She is a strong woman, who doesn’t let the breakup destroy her, it spurs her on to become a better person. She has such immense confidence in herself. She’s the shit, she knows it, and she proves it to everyone.
I read an article on the Cosmo website about the greatest breakup films of all time, and this is the top pick.
‘Just be her’, the article says.
The film really boosted me, as I knew it would. I was still feeling a bit fragile though, and I didn’t want to go for dinner because it was chilli (which reminds me of my ex, and also it’s mince – NHS mince is the fucking worst). I also didn’t want to see people. The nurse in charge bought me some wedges with my Reds BBQ sauce to eat in bed. I was so appreciative. The staff here are incredible. She in particular is an angel.
One of the other things I took from Legally Blonde is that Elle has a fierce group of girlfriends around her. I realised I hadn’t texted any of mine for a few days, so I reached out.
My friends are getting me through.
Without them and my family, I would be in such a dark place.
I watched Drag Race, drank tea, and ate chocolate. While I was doing so, one of my friends let me know that she’s moving in with her new boyfriend (who is actually one of my best friends of all time), who happens to have the same name as my ex.
I am super happy for both of them, but at the same time it really stung.
How come she gets her happy ending with her D?
I was due to be moving in with mine, and then he left me.
It was just a reminder that that isn’t happening for me anymore, that everything is so messed up.
I texted some of my friends for support, and that was really helpful.
I kept myself fairly strongly medicated throughout the evening, because I was feeling far from my best.
At the end of the night went for a sleeping tablet. Scary lady was dancing around, being all loud and brash – not aggressive today though. Eminem came on the radio, and I was like OMG HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT EMINEM?!
Such good psych ward music – angry and badass.
That’s my plan for tomorrow. Just listen to a shit ton of Eminem.