Day 25

Slept horrifically, and had nightmares about castles, the zombie apocalypse, and Alton Towers. Kept waking up every hour or two. I just couldn’t get comfy.

I took my earplugs out at 6AM, because normally that’s a safe time to do it, and my earplugs make me dizzy when I wake up, so I like to sleep without them as much as possible, but the emergency alarm went off in the room next to me, and I could hear her headbanging. I don’t mean like to heavy metal, but literally banging her head against the wall.
It’s pretty common here.

Went to get my meds, and told the nurse about my poor sleep. He said he was really surprised, because normally I sleep in the same position, and never stir in the night.
I know that he knows that from obs, but it was a bit creepy and unsettling nevertheless – a reminder that I am being observed, I am being watched.

Went for a bit of a walk, and got ready in the exact same order that I ordinarily do.
Didn’t feel as much of a chore as yesterday, but still wasn’t totally in to it.

I felt generally anxious for most of the morning. Think it was a combination of my thoughts before I went to sleep, my nightmares, and waiting for my APIP appointment with the psychologically trained nurse.

The spare bed got filled straight away, as they always are. The new patient introduced herself very confidently to me, including a handshake. She saw my t-shirt (‘Less catcalls, more cats’), and told me all about her cat.

She’s a singer.
And not a very good one.
So that’s going to be fun.

The APIP nurse had asked me the day before to create a ‘Distraction Plan’ before this morning, so I did that 20 minutes before my appointment was due to start (standard).
The ‘Distraction Plan’ is basically a list of things I can do to keep myself busy when I feel really bad. I’m using a lot of them already, but when the times are really really bad I find it impossible to do any of them, so I don’t really know how much use it’s going to be…

  1. Watching things.
    Atm Drag Race is helping me no end. If I feel a bit down, it perks me right up. Or at least keeps me distracted enough that my thoughts don’t get worse.
  2. Music.
    My ‘Strong’ playlist is so ridiculously overplayed atm. Empowering songs to help me try and feel better. Again, it doesn’t always necessarily make me feel better, but it doesn’t make me feel worse so…
  3. Cleaning.
    It always works in my flat. It’s something I’ve wanted to do here, but I obviously can’t, because chemicals.
  4. Makeup/nails etc.
    Atm I’m doing my makeup every morning because it makes me feel a little bit better, and gives me something to focus on for a short period of time.
  5. Counting.
    When I was at the park on Sunday, I found it helpful to try and count my steps. The same when I was making friendship bracelets last week – counting the loops that I was making with the thread.
  6. Sensory stuff.
    I also found it helpful at the park to stroke the inside of my muff.
    And no, that’s not how it sounds.
    A muff isn’t just a fanny, it’s a furry tube you can put your hands in to keep them warm. I also enjoy stroking my sequin cushion. I used to enjoy stroking my cat too.
    I realise these could all be construed as mad inuendos btw.
  7. Walk.
    I guess this goes in with counting, but it as well as counting, it just helps to change my environment and clear my head.
  8. Cooking.
    I do loads of cooking when I’m at home. I often find myself getting so focused and carried away that I end up with way more food than I can eat, or even store.
    I enjoy creating things.
  9. Crafts.
    Goes in with the counting thing again. I find knitting, cross stitch, and those friendship bracelet things really therapeutic. The more monotonous the better. I literally don’t have to use my brain. Just count. Like when I ended up potting 20 pots of peas.
    Like cooking too, I enjoy creating things.
  10. Gaming.
    Games on my phone can distract me sometimes, or at least stop me feeling worse. My faves are Cluedo or Risk. I like playing games that I’m good at. I used to play a lot of the Candy Crush ones too.
  11. Writing.
    Don’t know how I didn’t think of this one in the first place, but unsure if it’s really distraction – it can be quite the opposite tbh.

Obviously, my APIP appointment didn’t happen at 10AM as planned, which was really annoying because I could have gone on the weekly walk instead and done the hospital mile, as was my plan.
I had plans for a friend to come and visit in the afternoon. I considered, at that point, cancelling it. I didn’t want my visit to be too close to my appointment, as I knew how much both would drain me.
The later it got, the more convinced I was it would be in the afternoon, and the more pissed off I got with just sitting around and waiting. I ended up just prowling the halls, rolling blu tak up in my fingers, until I asked the staff what was going on. It turned out that she was having to deal with something that had happened that morning but hoped that she’d still get to see me today.

That really hacked me off.

I deliberately didn’t have any visitors the day before, because that was when I was due to have my appointment, and it was looking increasingly likely that I was going to have to cancel the visit from my friend in the afternoon.
So that’s essentially two days plans out the window, because an appointment hadn’t happened when it should.

When it got to just before my lunchtime, I went ahead and cancelled my visit.
I just had a bad feeling about it.
If the appointment went ahead in the afternoon, and I had a visitor too, I’d be in absolute bits this evening – it’s just too much for my brain to process.

Although I thought as soon as I cancelled it, the appointment was definitely not going to happen.
Tempting fate, innit?
Just typical.

I was right.

Lunch was lasagne (mince = gross) or veg chilli con carne (can’t eat chilli atm, because it reminds me too much of my ex), so I decided to have a pot noodle in my room instead. I’ve got enough of them.
I was feeling really pissed off and couldn’t be arsed with people anyway.

To pass the time, I did a bit of writing about what a ‘section’ actually is (and how I haven’t been sectioned). You can find it here…


While I was doing so, listening to angry music, some workmen came and did some drilling or some shite on my window. The window needed to be open too, so it was super loud, like basically right next to my head.
So I was just sitting at my desk, getting more and more irritated, waiting for the appointment that I knew would never come.

Eventually, I lost it.

I went and found a member of staff, they came to my room with me, and I really let rip.

I was so angry that no one had been to me to let me know wtf was going on, waiting for this one appointment that progresses me every week.
It is the input that I am here for.
It is the reason that I was moved to this specific hospital.
It is the reason I am actually in hospital full stop.

I screamed and I shouted until my throat hurt.

I said that just because I’m not headbanging or cutting myself, it doesn’t mean I’m fine, and I’M STILL FUCKING HERE.
I am not invisible.
I’m just sitting here quietly…
in emotional hell…
cancelling all of my plans…
waiting and waiting and waiting…
being ignored.

I said that if I had somewhere to actually go, I would discharge myself.
At least in the community, if I had an appointment, it would be kept, and would run (vaguely) on time. Yeh, there’s a chance I’d be dead in a couple of days, but at this point, that seemed better than this.

I said that I realise things pop up, and that other patients have needs too, but just to be left hanging here in limbo is pretty unacceptable, and I’m fucking furious.
If I’m not going to be seen until tomorrow, I’m probably going to have to cancel my visit with my mother, who was going to take me off the hospital grounds, and that will mean I will have gone days without a visitor.
I know not to plan visits for Tuesday because that’s the day that I am seen, and the appointments really mess with my brain, so I need rest afterwards.
I had to cancel today’s visit.
It’s looking likely that I’ll have to cancel tomorrow too.
I also missed out on the weekly walk, which I found really useful last week. It’s a good opportunity to meet other people, have a chat, get off the ward, and get some exercise.

I was fucking furious, and I felt like absolutely nothing could talk me down.

Even if the appointment went ahead, it would be completely pointless.
Probably best to wait until next week.
But then that’s one more week completely wasted.
One more week hanging in limbo.
One more week until discharge.
One more week before I can get my life back together.

But then I couldn’t help thinking, is this all my fault?

If I’d been awake yesterday, I would have been seen.
You snooze, you lose. Literally.
I slept through my appointment, like a fucking idiot, so I deserve to miss it.
It’s all my stupid fucking fault.
I don’t deserve to be seen.
I missed my chance through my own doing.
I’m just a waste of space.
I don’t deserve an appointment.
I don’t deserve help.
I just deserve to be left to rot here forever.

My window wouldn’t close after the works they’d done, so I went and asked someone if they could sort it.
They said they’d be with me in a minute.
I knew that wouldn’t happen unless they could see me, so I stood around waiting.

One of the patients asked me, while I was standing there, if I did any of the OT (Occupational Therapy) stuff at the hospital.
It was then that I realised that I had been referred, but hadn’t heard anything, and my fury began to rise again.
So many false promises.
At this rate I’ll never get well.
I went back to my room because I could feel myself getting more and more angry.

I was right – no one came to look at my window.

I went and found someone else, and she managed to fix it.
I spoke to her about my APIP appointment being moved around, and she said she didn’t know anything about it.
I was aware at this point that I was talking so fast I was barely breathing.
I was totally fixated on this appointment.
I was panicking.
I asked for some PRN anti-anxiety medication (diazepam).
I asked where the staff member I’d spoken to about my appointment was, and the nurse said that she didn’t know.

So there was no one for me to chase up. I felt completely lost.

I couldn’t let it go though.
I had to know what was going on.
Did I need to cancel my visit tomorrow with my mum?
Would I be getting seen at all?
So I found another member of staff and asked.
I just couldn’t let it go.
I wanted to know what was happening.
I couldn’t think about anything else.

At 4:30, the APIP nurse finally came to see me (6.5 hours after our appointment was due). She said that she’d told the staff this morning to let me know the appointment had to be cancelled, and that she was really sorry that was miscommunicated. She was also pissed off that the staff had told me I’d be seeing her this afternoon, as that was never going to be the case.
She assured me that I will have an appointment at 10AM tomorrow morning.
But then I had to think about what to do regarding my mum’s visit.

I played a bit of Cluedo, and decided to go ahead with tomorrow’s visit.
If I feel really bad after my APIP appointment, I can cancel before she sets off, if I absolutely have to.
I just hope it happens at 10, as planned.

I was really hungry by dinner, cuz I’d only had a Pot Noodle, so had loads of bacon pasta, and some apple pie.

In other news…

Scary lady has got pretty scary.
She’s taken an intense dislike to one of the staff. She keeps calling her a vindictive, unprofessional bitch, and threatened to kill her. She also keeps demanding to have her phone back, so idk what’s going on there.
The communal areas are absolutely dead now. No one is there. Everyone’s just spending time in their rooms. She’s frightening everyone away.
Her son came to visit, and she kept saying that he needed to find a consultant to speak to (because, ya know, they just mill about the wards with nowt to do…). When he spoke with one of the nurses she kept yelling that he needed to go higher up, because she was ‘just a nurse’ and she needs to speak to someone right at the top.

Singing lady had a similar episode, where she was demanding to see a consultant.
When eventually she got to see a Doctor, she insisted on having a conversation with him about her medication in the corridor, so everyone could hear. She refused antipsychotics, on the grounds that she is not psychotic. And she refused to have any psychiatric medication at all until she’d seen a Doctor… even though she was talking to a Doctor…

I suspect that they’re both sectioned, and having real difficulty with it. I can’t imagine how angry they must be if they’ve been bought here against their will, and are being legally detained.
So, in a sense, I understand.
Hopefully they’ll come to accept it soon.

Also, when I was out in the car park earlier, there was a woman yelling over and over again STILL THE ILLIGITIMATE SON. I could hear her all the way from the other side.
So that was odd. But tbh, it’s all pretty standard for here.

The woman who was discharged yesterday (who acted like a nurse) came back today and just sat in the communal area for ages and ages. She even took a nap. The staff kept asking why she was here, and she said she was just visiting.
It must be such a huge adjustment to leave. I can’t even imagine it atm.

I was watching Drag Race and eating chocolate, and I don’t know why, but all of a sudden, I felt really really sad, and missed my ex so much.
I texted one of my besties, and we talked a bit about it. But I also went to the staff, and had a talk about it.

I hate the environment of the ward atm, so I want to leave, but there’s nothing out there for me, I’ve got nowhere to go. I also know I can’t keep myself safe out there.
I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere, and every single place I could possibly be is horrible – there’s no happy place for me.

She had a long talk to me about it, and gave me some medication to stop my thoughts spiralling in to a dangerous place. She suggested I went outside with a member of staff, so I did that too.

It was us two, and two other patients who have been in a while. We talked about how unsettled the ward is atm. Everyone’s feeling it. The staff member says she hasn’t seen anything like it in her whole career with the amount of turnover we’ve had in the past week.

It was reassuring to know I’m not on my own in feeling the way that I am.

After that, I took a sleeping pill. I’d had such a bad day, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

2 thoughts on “Day 25

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