Day 23

Had really bizarre dreams (again) that involved being pregnant, but the pregnancy was actually just a basket of eggs, and I kept breaking them. And the baby wasn’t going to be a baby, it was going to be a puppy. A couple of friends of mine (who are a married couple) were going through the same thing, and they were so prepared for it – absolutely bossing it. My ex and I just kept fucking all our eggs up and forgetting about our puppy.
Make of that what you will.

It felt good for it to be Monday. There were lots of familiar staff back, and the ward felt a bit more normal and welcoming.
Didn’t last the day though.

After my dip last night, there was a bit of a hoo ha about whether or not to give me my razor. I was like, I’m fine, I just want to shave my pits. But they kept coming and checking. I was like I’LL GIVE IT BACK SOON, LET ME GET DRESSED FIRST!

I did my makeup mindfully, with my earplugs in.
It was going well at first, but then I remembered what had happened last Monday morning – while I was doing my makeup, getting ready for Ward Round, the breakup e-mail landed in my inbox, and sat there for about an hour before I realised it was there.
So ofc, I incessantly checked my inbox all morning, just hoping there wasn’t going to be another heart wrenching e-mail.
There wasn’t.

I did however realise the date, and it rang a bell.
It’s because tomorrow I’m due to go to Manchester with my three best girlfriends. We had plans to go to a gig and stay the night – all four of us together. Obviously, I can’t go, but they still are.
I really hope they have a good time, but it makes me sad that I’m going to be missing out on something that I was really looking forward to.

I missed it last week, but this week my ‘Weekly Mood Report’ popped up on Daylio (my mood tracking app), which was really interesting. I wrote a blog post about it here…

https://lucysback.com/2020/03/09/weekly-mood-report-02-03-20-08-03-20/

Tl;dr my mood is more consistent on a day to day basis, but generally very low, and the trend shows it is currently in decline.
Not a surprise really.

I did a bit of colouring before lunch, and I didn’t feel my thoughts spiralling, so that was good. I hope you like it…

This shit is bananas

While I was doing that, they opened up the room opposite to clean it (the one I’d complained about), and it fucking stank. But at least it’s clean now, I guess.

I had some messages throughout the day from someone that I hadn’t spoken to for a while. It got me wondering who’s been in touch with my ex.
I really hope he’s getting support, because this must be so incredibly difficult for him. But is anyone trying to jump in my grave?
It’s what’s happened with pretty much 100% of my breakups, including when I separated from my husband.
Straight on to someone new.
That’s my biggest fear.
So, I guess my thoughts did spiral off a bit.

Lunch was roast taters and a fish cake. I wasn’t really that hungry though, because I was quite anxious for Ward Round.
Afterwards, I did a bit more colouring, and went for a bit of a walk around the carpark.

When I got back, I accidentally called my voicemail. I’d had a notification for weeks, but hadn’t got around to listening. One was from a police officer/paramedic (idk which) from the night that led to my admission, and another from my mother on the same night, absolutely frantic with worry.
That was really horrible to listen to, and pretty unexpected.

By then, my Dad had arrived for Ward Round. We talked a bit about what I wanted to get out of it, and he shared some of his thoughts – basically that I have a mood disorder (possibly Bipolar Disorder or maybe some kind of seasonal thing) as well as BPD. He had WhatsApp screenshots from 2018 and everything.

I wrote a post with a bit more detail about Ward Round, which you can find here…

https://lucysback.com/2020/03/09/ward-round-3/

Tl;dr
Upped my antipsychotics
Keeping on with my mood stabilisers
I can leave the grounds if I’m with someone
They’re making a cohesive plan for my discharge and care in the community, even though that’s a long way off
They aren’t ruling out a mood disorder (Bipolar probably), and am treating me accordingly, but just mainly focusing on what’s going on in the here and now

After that, we went for a walk to go get a drink in the hospital canteen, but it was closed.
The small café, however, was open. Instead of coffee, because I was already feeling really jittery, I had a ‘luxury hot chocolate’ (with coconut milk, because I’m a total hipster wanker, and hot cow milk is grim).

My Dad felt that Ward Round had gone really well, and so did I. I’m really happy that they listened to me about my medication, and that they are going to put together a cohesive discharge plan for me, rather than just throwing me straight back out in to the community like they did last time.

When I got back to the ward, there was a new lady. She seems pretty brash, walking round like she owns the place, hating on the staff. She looks like what you would imagine a female wrestler to look like – huge shoulders and arms.
I do not like her. She scares me.

I felt quite anxious, so decided to write about Ward Round, and just get all my thoughts out of my head and on to paper (laptop). I find that it really helps.

There were quite a few emergency alarms pulled.
Again.
Lots were for the room next door. I could hear lots of shouting and crying, so that wasn’t very nice.

When I went out for dinner, I could see that there was another new woman on the ward. That’s 4 in like 2 days – a ridiculously high turnover for a psych ward. Idk wtf is going on. It all feels very unsettled.
I didn’t realise how nice the atmosphere here was, even with shouty lady. She feels like the least of my worries atm tbh. I totally took the atmosphere for granted. I just hope the next few days go well, and that they settle in with no trouble.
I spoke to one of the staff about my anxieties, and she said that it’s perfectly normal to feel like that, but that the staff are around the whole time, so there’s no reason at all to feel unsafe.
Either way, I just plan on hiding in my room unless it’s meal or meds time.

I had a text from one of my best girlfriends in the afternoon asking a bit more about the incident (rape) in my flat last year. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it at all, and maybe tell her who it was, but I said that I really didn’t want to, although I respected her checking in.
I’ve locked what happened away so tightly in a little box in my brain. Tbh, I don’t even really think that it’s that big of a deal, but I’m aware that my body does. That’s why I used to panic so much every time my ex left me to spend a night on my own in my flat. It’s this visceral feeling, rather than emotional feelings, if that makes sense?
It’s something I absolutely need to address, something I certainly need to talk about, but now is not the time.
I’m far too fragile.

Dinner was bangers & mash. I ate with the girls I’m familiar with, and the big scary lady sat on her own kind of muttering away.
When shouty lady finished eating, she went and sat in her wheelchair by the entrance to the ward, and started shouting to be taken out for a cigarette, as she always does. The scary lady was not happy about this. She said ‘oh I can’t take this for the whole week’. I said to her that you just learn to drown it out. She said there’s no way she can, she can’t put up with it, it’s not in her DNA.
I feel her tbh.
Maybe she’s not that bad after all! I’d rather she had beef with shouty lady than me tbf.
My enemy’s enemy is my friend and all that…

After dinner I got in to a real texting spree with some of my friends, which felt awesome. It really perked me up. It’s nice to know people are thinking of me.
The ward was really loud throughout the evening though. The shouty lady was like next level, and there were loads of alarms going off – new ladies having difficulty settling in.

I watched some Drag Race, and ate some chocolate. Standard. It was the Season 4 finale, where Latrice comes out with this absolute gem.

I’ve set it as my lock screen background on my phone.
I need to pick myself back up, and come back better and more badass than ever.
Even though it seems like so much effort sometimes, and I feel really hopeless, I will do it.

And then they will EAT IT!

But then, when I started to feel really good, I got really worried and paranoid.

When I’m feeling good, when I’m starting to feel better, that’s when something always comes along to knock me back down.
It’s too good to be true.

My thoughts started to race, and I convinced myself that something would come along to really upset me.
I went to the nurse, spoke about it, said I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep (it was 10PM by this point) and I took some PRN medication.
I made it all the way through the day up until then though without any at all, which is definite progress.

3 thoughts on “Day 23

  1. Ok…so, I have heard of Drag Race, and I know vaguely what it is…

    But when I first heard of it, I genuinely thought that it involved drag queens actually racing, probably in cars on a track somewhere…

    I have since been told this is not how it works.

    I know this isn’t a super relevant comment…but it amused me!

    Liked by 1 person

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