This week I was actually able to speak, so that was a definite plus.
First of all, we talked about how my week has been.
I told the consultant about how I’d had a couple of decent(ish) days after the Monday, and then gone downhill over the weekend, ending in a near crisis last night. I shared the dark and spiralling thoughts that I’d had when out at the park.
She’s put some of my regular meds (for physical stuff, rather than mental health) on my card, but are wary about the interactions between my womb meds and brain meds, so am just going to see how my next menstrual cycle goes.
They listened to me when I said that the antipsychotics have really helped this past week, so my dose has been upped from 25mg at 4PM to 25mg at 8AM and 4PM (50mg total, spread throughout the day), which I’m really happy about.
My dad had some screenshots (somehow?!) from WhatsApp conversations I’d had in January 2018 about how much antidepressants had helped me (actually the last time I took them). But then we all had a bit of a chat about it, and realised between us that they had maybe made me a bit too good.
I got a promotion
I was doing really well at work
I was going out with my friends loads
I left my husband
I got myself a flat
I felt invincible…
Did I have a manic (or hypomanic – which is like baby manic) episode?
Both me and my Dad think that I have a mood disorder – possibly Bipolar Disorder. The Dr says they’re just dealing with my behaviour and feelings in the here and now (that phrase again), but that it’s a definite possibility, and that actually they’re treating me essentially as if I did have Bipolar.
In a nutshell, Bipolar Disorder is where you have prolonged periods of depression, and then prolonged periods of mania.
Mania is not happiness though.
Mania is spending sprees, promiscuity, impulsivity, being over productive, not sleeping a lot, deciding to leave your husband and renting out a flat on your own within the space of a week… that kinda thing.
We discussed my obs and my leave. I am pretty sure that it’s been agreed that I can leave the grounds escorted by a friend or family member (but there was a lot of info to take in, so I’m going to have to double check that one). I just want to be able to go over the road to the corner shop or the chippy – I don’t want to go any further right now tbh.
I said to her that I don’t want to partake in the weekly outings anymore, because it’s just too much. I want to slowly make my way down the road to the closest ‘town centre’, and then gradually work my way out further from there.
We talked about my discharge plan, and the fact that my living situation is up in the air.
I told her that I am definitely not ready to leave yet, and that last night I would have ended up in A&E, or worse, had I not been here.
I said that ideally, I want to stay in the city for that continuity of care, rather than going back to my parents in the rural countryside (where there would be a different team looking after me), and that I’d quite like to be able to be discharged straight in to my new flat – fresh start – but the timescale on that is a bit woolly, as is the way with buying property. She said that when the time comes, if necessary, she can make a referral to a ‘phase down’ home, which is self-catered, but staffed 24/7 – like a ‘halfway house’. It depends on the situation, and my discharge date.
But she said that the time to think about discharge is when I’m wanting it, and I feel that hospital is counterproductive. So definitely not now.
I talked about how helpful I’ve found the input from the APIP nurses, and told her all about Daylio, my mood tracking app.
By the end of the meeting I was talking really fast, and couldn’t say enough tbh.
It was like word vomit.
So, all in all, pretty good. I felt better after it than I’ve felt in a while.
Upped my antipsychotics
Keeping on with my mood stabilisers
I can leave the grounds if I’m with someone
They’re already making a cohesive plan for my discharge and care in the community, even though that’s a long way off