Had a restless night. Woke up at 5:45 and don’t think I got back to sleep after that. Didn’t help that shouty lady started shouting at about 7. Got up shortly after that, had some meds, and spoke to a couple of the staff about my visitors today…
My three best girlfriends were coming, and although I was really looking forward to it, I was also really nervous.
I hadn’t seen them in well over a month, and I ordinarily see them every single day. There was a period where we couldn’t even text, because I was being so weird through messages.
I think they were also quite mad at me, and rightly so, because instead of turning to them, I just turned to my boyfriend and put all my shit on him. I didn’t share half the shit I should have with them. They are my best friends, and I didn’t reach out for help or support.
They were also obviously upset when it transpired that I’d tried to take my life. I’d be upset if the tables were turned too. I’d feel like a bad friend, I’d be shocked, I’d have all sorts of emotions running through my head.
Also, they see my now ex pretty much every day. So that’s a link to him, which makes me very anxious.
Early on in the morning, I received a message from one of my loveliest regulars. She and her husband (and their children) come in at least once a week. They’ve bought me birthday and Christmas presents in the past, she always gives me the biggest hug, and I’ve spoken to her sometimes about my mental health. She’s my mother figure in this city, because my mum lives over an hour away. It’s always nice to see her and have a motherly hug.
I knew she had cancer, but she just found out yesterday that it can’t be cured. She is going through chemo to give her as much time as possible, but it’s just so sad. She said she didn’t want to upset me, and it obviously did, because I love her – I went to one of the staff and had a bit of a cuddle and a cry – but more than anything, it really shocked me back in to life.
Here I am wanting to end my life, when she is fighting so desperately for hers. I imagine she’d give anything to trade places, and have a whole life ahead of her.
Life is precious, and right now I really appreciate having mine.
Washed my hair, which meant I got loads of hair compliments again, and I was just like I JUST WASHED IT OK?! Still nice to hear though. Put some lippy on too, cuz I knew my friends were coming, and I wanted to look super well for them.
Decided to get some fresh sheets on, cuz mine were covered in blood, (probably sweat), mascara tears, and hair dye (plastic pillows with green hair is not the one, cuz it makes your head sweat, and the colour bleed… soz for ruining your pillowcases NHS).
Just as I was making the bed, one of the staff asked if I’d like to go on the ‘Weekly Walk’. It’s where the ‘Live Group’ get patients from the different wards together to do the ‘Hospital Mile’, which is basically a mile walk around the
car park hospital grounds. It was quite nice to see some new faces, and get some fresh air. The weather was dead nice.
I was doing a bit of writing before lunch, when the APIP nurse who I didn’t see yesterday came to my room for a chat about the past couple of days. It was really good actually.
I asked her if she could possibly talk to my consultant tomorrow to review my grounds leave. I would really like to be able to go for unescorted walks. I think it would be really therapeutic and good for my recovery, when I’m in a good enough mood to keep myself safe. She agreed, and just asked that I have an open and honest relationship with the staff so that when I’m not well enough to go out I can tell them.
By then, it was lunch time. I asked for a tiny dose of PRN sedation, because I was starting to get really nervous about seeing my friends.
I had pasta and meatballs, but left the meatballs, and barely ate any of the pasta.
I was feeling super nervous by this point, so decided to do a bit of writing to pass the time, but I’d barely sat down before I had a knock on my door to say that my visitors were here.
As soon as I saw them, I broke down. I gave them all the biggest hug, and cried and cried and cried. It was just so good to see them, and I couldn’t believe they were here in my weird little recovery bubble.
Our visit was really good.
We chatted a lot of shit, mostly about silly stuff they’ve been up to (breaking toes, throwing up on walls/floors… just standard ‘us’ stuff…).
I apologised for not reaching out to them sooner, and for putting it all on my boyfriend. We talked a little bit about the breakup, but it’s still really raw. Also talked a bit about my new flat and my living situation too. I spoke quite a bit about my treatment, and they’re really glad that I’m in the best place and getting help – they say that’s all they want for me.
I could tell at first that they were a little bit nervous too, but we spoke quite openly about that, and by the end, everything felt good. It was really healing to ‘clear the air’, and it was awesome to have the 4 of us together. It actually never happens, even on the outside!
It was good to have contact with normality, and to realise that it’s not as scary as I thought it was going to be. There’s definitely still a level of anxiety, especially about the fact that they’re seeing my ex nearly every day, and they know how he is and what he’s up to and stuff.
But having him back in my life is something I don’t have to think about until closer to discharge, which is still a way off.
I was genuinely sad to see them go. I had missed them so so much this past month.
After they’d gone, I got myself a DIET FRITZ KOLA, which I have missed sooooooo much! They’re in glass bottles though, so have to go in my contraband box whenever I want one, and I had to get the nurse to use the bottle opener on her car keys to open the bottle, cuz obvs I don’t have one. Ha!
When I got back to my room, I had to rearrange all my drawers to make room for the sheer amount of snacks they had bought me.
It was basically all spice and meat. The staff were like wtf, ruok hun??
Once that was done, I started to feel really sad, and a little bit worried.
It was so good to see them, but I missed them once they’d left. And it’s also well and good seeing them in my little bubble here on the ward, but it’s beginning to dawn on me that I’m going to have to see everyone again at some point – my co-workers, the regulars, my friends…
I mean, this went really well, so that’s a promising start, but it was pretty nerve-wracking.
The big one is my ex. I can’t even begin to fathom what it will feel like to see him again.
Atm he feels like a stranger to me, which is beyond bizarre, because I shared every single day of my life with him for so long.
But I keep having to remind myself of what the APIP nurse said to me earlier…
Live for the present, don’t ruminate on the past, or worry about the future. Just focus on the now, and getting well in this moment right now.
I’m more open to visitors now, so have arranged to see a couple more friends next week.
Dip my toes in to the water slowly.
Eventually I will have done it. Eventually I will have seen everyone, and broken all the ice.
But that’s a long way off. Definitely not thoughts that I need to be overwhelming myself with right now.
I scrolled through my Insta (@_lucysback_) cuz I felt like changing my profile picture. I came across of pictures of my ex and the good times we’d had together.
All of a sudden, I felt really angry. Like, fucking fumin’. Not like a slamming stuff around kind of angry, but just a simmering fury.
It’s one of the stages of grief isn’t it? And losing our relationship, my person, and our future together, is a bereavement.
Was our relationship a lie?
All those things he said to me, were they lies?
Either way, he didn’t keep all the promises he made me.
Out of respect to him, I won’t go in too much more detail about how deep my thought processes went. I’ve had some time to let my thoughts settle, and I’m sure (at least I very much hope) that I won’t feel like that forever.
Regardless, I went to get some PRN sedation, because I didn’t want for my anger to get to the point where I was screaming and throwing shit and stuff.
After that, I wasn’t really that hungry. But they actually had this spicy fish, some quite nice new potatoes, and a fruit crumble on the menu, so I ended up eating loads.
I was aware of how angry I still was, so I was ready for bed by 6PM and decided to just distract myself as much as I could.
I played a couple of games of Risk, which took my mind off it a bit, and then coloured in a Mandala while listening to another episode of The Guilty Feminist.
The Guilty Feminist was about food, and women’s general relationship with it.
My relationship is fucking fine. They were blabbing on about how women generally feel shame for enjoying desserts and fatty food.
That ain’t me. And I’m not even bullshitting.
I eat absolute shite like a fucking horse, and am proud of it. I wear it like a badge of honour. I think that’s way sexier than being all like ‘Oh I couldn’t possibly have the cake’.
Sometimes I’ll make a point of eating healthy, and try and shift a few pounds, but that’s for me and my health. I only do that when I tend to go over 14st (yeh, I’m a biiiiig thicc girl… I honestly think at least a stone of that is my boobs though…), my clothes feel too tight, and the stairs become too much effort.
After that, I watched some Drag Race, while texting my family having some proper bantz.
I was pretty harsh, but at least that shows I’m feeling more like myself. I have the fucking darkest sense of humour. Think it was probably a way to release some of my breakup rage too – ha!
Before I went to sleep, I had a bit of a binge on the stuff that my pals bought and needed eating ASAP – sausage rolls and fridge raiders.
Told you I don’t have a problem with my relationship with food.
I’m proud that I was angry and hurt, and I managed to still have a calm evening.
I didn’t contact him, I didn’t bad mouth him all over the internet (nor am I now, for the record – he is a wonderful person, but there is no denying he has hurt me), I didn’t throw or break anything.
Little bit concerning actually. I hope it’s not incoming.