Day Fifteen

I was disturbed a few times in the night by the staff, because I must have been facing the wrong way.
Woke up naturally about 7:20 again.
Made sure I was up for breakfast at 8, because Sunday means BACON!

Everyone was dead grumps at breakfast, apart from me and K. We saw something that we think was a cat (in hindsight, it was definitely the cat that I saw the other day – I will be its friend). I left as soon as I’d finished eating, whereas usually I stick around until everyone’s finished, just to chat to people. But everyone was being so grumpy, I didn’t want them to put me in a bad mood.

I did a bit of writing, and listened to a bit of music, then remembered about 9 that I hadn’t had my meds yet.
When I got to the clinic room, the nurse asked if I’d like to go to the country park that’s close by. I was like FUCK YES. We also talked a bit about my obs (getting them off 10 minutes), and about the possibility of getting unescorted leave about the grounds.
Fingers tightly crossed for Ward Round tomorrow!

Quickly got ready, and even put deep red lips on CUZ I HAVE MY MAKEUP BACK!
I got loads of comments on my lipstick, and I was like I TOLD YOU I WANTED MY MAKEUP BAG BACK!!!!
I mentioned to one of the nurses that the worse I feel, the more slap I tend to put on. If I’m dead happy, I’ll turn up to work with a bare face and not even care – it’s only when I feel anxious that I put my full face on. Especially lips.

There was a big hoo-ha with the taxis – one of them was really late, and people kept wandering off, and at one point I thought I’d been left behind – but eventually we were on our way!
It was dead weird driving through the city and seeing familiar places. At first, I was really really anxious that they were going to take my past the end of my love’s road, but then realised that would be a really fucking stupid way to go to the park.

Wayne Manor

When we got there, there was another bit of a hoo-ha with trying to find the other group, cuz we were like 15 minutes behind them. Eventually we found them, and had a little bit of a walk. It was so good to be in the fresh air, even though it was freezing. It was bright and sunny though. I had my big white glasses on and big red lips, so felt pretty fucking fabulous.

My face on a good(ish) day

Everyone (except me) was really excited to go to the café and get a hot drink. I just wanted to walk and get some fresh air.

As soon as everyone walked in to the café, I just froze in the doorway.
It was so so busy, and quite warm.
I just knew that I couldn’t do it.

I forgot how socially anxious I’d been before I was admitted to hospital. I was at the point where I couldn’t even go to my local shop to pick up groceries. I was literally only going to medical appointments. There was actually this one time where I had a panic attack at the GP surgery, and had to phone my boyfriend (who was out with his friends at the time) to come and walk me home.
He went through so much. I should have been in hospital long before I was actually admitted. None of what happened was fair on him at all. I know that he did everything because he loves me, and I would do exactly the same for him in a heartbeat, but that doesn’t make it any easier at all.
I hope one day he can forgive me.

I beckoned one of the support workers, took her outside, and was just like ‘I can’t’. She tried to talk me round, but I was like, no fucking way.
The other support worker tagged her out, and spoke to me a bit more about it, while I had a bit of a cry. We agreed that I could sit outside on one of the chairs in the courtyard.

I chose the sunniest seat I could find, and just watched the world go by.
So many of the people there were couples or young families though, and that made me feel pretty sad and lonely.
I wondered what my love is doing with his Sunday, and wished more than anything that we could go for a walk together, even though that’s something we’ve never really done together. There was this one time that we did while we were on holiday. I remember we walked down the river, looking at the beautiful colours of the trees, while drinking a coffee, and it was genuinely one of the happiest hours of my life.
(and writing about it has just made me really really fucking teary… and re-reading it while editing has set me off again…)

Eventually I made a conscious effort to focus all my attention away from the humans, and on all the dogs (so many dogs!).

Did you know you can buy Adidas hoodies for dogs called Adidog????
I. Need.

One of the support workers bought a black coffee to me (while I had gone to the toilet – I didn’t want them to think I was running away, so was as quick as possible, but obviously chose the wrong moment, because all she saw was me literally running across the courtyard!).


A couple of the patients (K & S) made a point of coming out to see if I was OK. I reassured them that really I was fine, I just didn’t want to be in the busy café, and that I was more than happy to be on my own.

Once I was reunited with the group, I spoke to one of the support workers about my wobble. I reiterated what a big deal it was for me to be out in the community, and that the café was just a bit of a step too far atm. I knew that if I’d forced myself to do it, I would have been really anxious, ended up panicking, and possibly having a meltdown.
I thanked them for understanding, and reassured them that I’d really enjoyed sitting on my own in the fresh air.

We walked around a bit, and the support worker made a point of stopping to fuss all of the different dogs we came across. And OH MY GOD, I fell in love with one of the breeds.
It’s called a Miki (Google it). Honestly, the tiniest little dog I’ve ever seen. Its owner said that they’re really similar to cats – they like to be up high, and they’re generally really quiet. I am definitely definitely going to look in to that breed, because what I basically want from a pet is a cat that I can take out with me!

Once we got back to the ward, it was Sunday roast. I had loads of beef and Yorkshires, and felt myself getting really really tired. You know when you come from the cold back in to the warm, and your body just doesn’t know how to cope?

I knew that my brother and sister in law were coming to visit, so decided to pass a bit of time playing Cluedo on my tablet.
Fucking love Cluedo.
I’m really good at it too.

The visit was really good. We chatted for ages. Before we knew it, about an hour and a half had passed.
They bought me Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles too – KING SIZE – so that made me a very happy Lucy.

The absolute king of noods

Going to the park and seeing relatives, in the grand scheme of things, is a pretty laid-back day. But I was totally, utterly wiped out. Like, I cannot even explain – I felt like I’d run a marathon and done a really taxing exam.

It’s times like that that I remember why I’m in hospital.
Sometimes I think ‘I’m fine! What am I even doing here?! I wish I was back at work! I’m just wasting this bed, wasting this space…’, and then something like this comes along to remind me that I am genuinely really fucking unwell.

Dinner time was difficult, and I know exactly why – I was so exhausted.
Every noise was like a knife on my skin – laughing, talking, CHEWING, chairs sliding across the floor, clatters from the kitchen… The lights were so bright. Everything smelled and tasted really overwhelming, and my clothes had just felt wrong on my body all afternoon – I couldn’t get comfortable at all… which happens a lot btw. I’ve been known to go home from work and change, because I physically cannot cope with how certain things feel. People think that cutting the necks off my t-shirts is a style thing – it is not – it’s because I literally cannot stand the sensation of a t-shirt around my neck. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me that sometimes I just go in to complete sensory overload.
Anyway, I chowed down my sandwiches, spoke to the staff, and took some PRN sedation.

I’m really looking forward to Ward Round tomorrow, catching the Doctors up on what’s been going on this week, and hopefully changing some things up a bit – moving forward.

Got in to some comfy clothes, and while I was watching Drag Race (obvs) one of the nurses came to invite me to karaoke… Apparently that’s an every Sunday thing…
I respectfully declined.

As it happened anyway, I had a date with a pal!

Pretty much every Sunday, six of us will play D&D (Dungeons & Dragons). The campaign has been going for just about a year now, but I’m guessing is on hold atm. I’m not there, and three of the six of us are managers at the bar, so the other two will be having to pick up my shifts.
Anyway, one of my gaming pals asked if I wanted to play ‘Risk’ online with him tonight, so that’s what we spent an hour doing.

Yes, I know my profile name is ridiculous, but you have no other choice than to pick from a random selection…

It honestly meant the absolute world to me, and totally made my night. It was so good to feel connected to a friend, but not necessarily having to talk. I felt less lonely, in touch with the outside world, but in a completely unstressful way.

If you’re reading this – thank you so much.
And I know how much that will make you cringe. Awkward hug for you.

Oh, and I won. Obvs.
I also won the two games of Cluedo I played against the AI characters earlier.
I always win.

All I have planned for the rest of the evening is Drag Race and an early night. Maybe a Pot Noodle.

Need to be ready for Ward Round tomorrow.
I’m dead nervous, because there’s so much I want out of it.
I just want to be moving forward.

See you on the other side…

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