Regular morning routine again. Meds, coffee, shower, dressed, hair, bit of makeup. Ate cereal out of a tiny box too (kind of drank it while I was writing, cuz I didn’t want to get my fingers sticky).
Felt particularly sassy. Put my hair in a massive high ponytail, and big chunky hoops in. Listened to the ‘This Is Lizzo’ playlist. And I mean all of it. Apparently everything she has ever done.
Asked if I could go out. It was a nice day, I’m allowed out escorted, and I was feeling good enough. I was told someone was coming in at half ten who could go with me, spent all morning sitting round waiting, but no one came.
Felt a bit like a caged animal.
Went in to my FB messenger inbox, and jeez I had a few messages.
I’m so bad at responding on Facebook, cuz the little face bubble comes up and I tend to swipe it away, otherwise it just stays there and it’s dead annoying. So I got back to everyone on that.
It’s crazy how many people who I haven’t seen/heard from in years have got in touch with me, yet so many who I see every day have stayed away. I’m pretty aware that it’s because I’ve royally fucked off everyone around me. I was suffering, and I should have reached out, but instead I just put it all on one person – my love – and so they’re feeling rejected by me, bad for him, and just pissed at me.
I don’t blame them. He’s such a wonderful person, he didn’t deserve to have all my crazy dumped on him. It fucked him up. I fucked him up. I didn’t mean to though. I genuinely love that man more than anything.
I worry about him all of the time. I really hope he’s doing OK.
Lunch was possibly the worst pasta bolognese I’ve ever had. I know that hospital food is shite, but this is genuinely next level. At least I’ll lose all that weight I vowed to back at the beginning of the year…
After lunch I checked in again on whether someone could take me for a walk. They said they hadn’t forgotten me, and that they’d definitely be taking me out.
Did a lot of writing (see previous post). Pretty savage stuff about PTSD, and the causes of mine. So that was pretty mentally draining.
Asked again if someone was taking me out for a walk. They said they hadn’t forgotten me, and that they’d definitely be taking me out.
This must be what it’s like to be a dog, just waiting to be taken out.
EXCUSE ME, WHEN IS THE HUMAN WALKER COMING TO GET ME?!
I saw the weather go downhill all afternoon too, and felt really sad for not being able to go out in the glorious sunshine this morning. But I guess that’s my punishment for doing stupid shit.
Spent quite a lot of this morning curating one of my playlists too.
The one I’ve got used to be called ‘BYE’, and I created it when I left my husband. It’s made up of songs about being independent and not needing a man. I’ve changed it now to call it ‘💪🏻Strong💪🏻’, because I’m not hating men – far far from it – did I mention how much I adore my love?… I might have…
I’m not raw from being dumped, at the same time I’m finding any songs about love or relationships incredibly difficult and triggering. I’m just wanting to find some music to help me focus on getting well, being independent, and being strong.
I asked my girlfriends for some suggestions in our group chat, which sparked off a normal conversation of calling each other racists and homophobes and basically just ripping on each other – especially us carnivores ripping on the vegans.
I always very much enjoy that.
So yeh, if anyone’s got any suggestions for my playlist, I’m all ears! This is what I’ve got so far. Hopefully this link will work…
That’s still showing some pretty man-hating stuff that’s not been deleted since it was called ‘BYE’. Dunno why. Stupid Spotify.
By this point I was pretty much climbing the walls. I’d set my main goal for today to be to go outside. I’d asked at like 9:30AM, and by this point six hours had passed.
THEN THE HUMAN WALKER CAME!
She is a ‘peer support worker’, so basically someone who used to be an inpatient, but now works for the NHS as a support worker. She comes in three days a week, takes the patients for walks, and generally just has a bit of a chat.
It was dead cold, but I didn’t mind. I put my sunglasses on (cuz it was pretty bright) and we walked round the whole grounds, including the 136 suite where I spent a couple of hours the other weekend. Was good to have a bit of a chat, but more so than anything else, to get my bearings.
I hadn’t really thought about it too much, but when I arrived I was so confused and sedated, I had no idea how I’d got onto the ward. It was good to be able to see the entrance and the window to my room. It hadn’t really occurred to me that when I got placed in my first hospital, because I’d spent a month there a few years ago, I knew exactly where it was, and exactly where I was. Here, I have been absolutely clueless.
When I got back in, I felt really warm, and fucking exhausted. So of course, my mind started to spiral right down. I could feel the dark thoughts coming in – the sheer paranoia of everything, and convincing myself that all the bad things that could happen were definitely happening, so I took myself off to the clinic room for some PRN sedation to slow my brain down before things got really bad.
Always happens – I do so much during the day that in the evening I just burn out and my brain breaks. I don’t know how to do things slow and steady and consistently – it’s all or nothing.
Dinner was actually decent. Bangers and mash with gravy. Went back to my room for a bit and did some colouring on my tablet until my visitors came.
When I went out to greet them, THERE WERE PANCAKES! I’d been chatting to my girls earlier in the day and they were like ‘surely you’ll get pancakes’, I was like ‘nahhhh’, but I was wrong!! I grabbed one, stuffed it with as much Nutella as I could, and shoved it in my gob.
A load of the rooms that are used for visits were full, so we got put in the sensory room, which was actually really entertaining, especially seeing as my sister in law is a SENCO (special needs coordinator at a school). There were tubs full of glitter, loads of lava lampy things, and just general things to watch and fiddle with. Oh, and beanbags.
They bought me a colouring book of unicorns and narwahls (which, btw are fucking real apparently – UNICORNS OF THE SEA – blows my mind every time!) crisps, and spicy snacks, including RED PEPPERAMIS!!!
I miss meat binges so much. Take that whatever way you want.
After that, took myself back to my room for some more Drag Race. It actually got a lol out of me when Tyra Sanchez wins, falls to the floor, has a ‘panic attack’, and Ru is like ‘DO YOU NEED TO BREATHE IN TO THE PAPER BAG?!’. So extra.
Had some more PRN, cuz I could feel the thoughts still sitting in the back of my mind (they’re still there this morning to a degree tbh, but I’m distracting myself so much that I’m just blocking them out), and then back to bed for more Drag Race.
Eventually decided to have a sleeping pill, cuz I couldn’t afford to have another bad nights sleep. My mind is OK if I distract it, it’s when there’s nowt else to do (like when I’m eating or trying to go to sleep, or even to a level, doing colouring) that I just fix on the bad thoughts.
According to Daylio, yesterday was my best day. Still had a ‘red’ moment, but like a completely bright green morning, so that’s another day of progress.
(or is it? because I’m here to get my moods stabilised – haha! ah well…)