Woke up and did my regular thing of getting ready for the day – meds, coffee, shower, dressed, hair, bit of makeup. My hair needed a proper dry shampoo, but they don’t let me take the aerosol away from the contraband cupboard, so I proper gassed the poor nurse out with million sprays of the stuff.
I did a bit of writing, and texted my closest girlfriends who I see every day, saying that I really missed them. After I was done with writing, I saw that they’d all been online, but hadn’t replied to my message, after like 2 hours. So of course I was like…
OMG THEY’RE ALL TALKING TO EACH OTHER ABOUT HOW TO CUT ME OUT BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE OR MAYBE THEY’VE GOT THIS MASSIVE SECRET FROM ME LIKE MAYBE MY LOVE HAS MOVED BACK TO SCOTLAND OR HE’S DIED OR SOMETHING AND THEY DON’T WANT TO TEXT ME KNOWING THAT THEY’RE KEEPING IT FROM ME.
Like, total worst-case scenario.
When they did get back to me, I was really transparent with them about my spiral, and thanked them for messaging me back. Obviously, as it happened, it was Monday morning and they were all busy. My pal who I’d usually be doing stock take with on a Monday was doing stock take. Obvs. One of my other girls was on a conference call. And the other one was napping cuz she was sick.
I know that my mind spiralling like that is pretty much the main reason why I’m in here, but honestly, being in here does not always necessarily help that.
I haven’t seen anyone that I know, except my family or my old school friend, for 2 weeks now. And for the 2 weeks before that, I was only seeing my love, none of my friends. I actually haven’t seen any of my friends (except for a quick chat on the street one day) for pretty much 4 weeks. A couple of my favourite favourite friends who I see every day, I haven’t actually even heard from for that long, and I really really miss them.
I don’t know if I’m ready to see any of them quite yet, but those daily texts keep me going. Just knowing that I’m not forgotten, and that there is hope that things could possibly get back to normal, well, better than normal, because I won’t feel so unwell (although deep down atm I don’t see how any of that could possibly ever happen).
I sat out for a bit before lunch, had a chat to some of the staff and patients.
The food was mash (smash) and fish in a parsley sauce (floury tasting goop).
I really fucking miss decent food. My size 16 jeans are hanging off me.
I spent a bit of time after lunch doing some colouring on my tablet, because it has an S-Pen (I fucking love a spen – got two now).
What else am I guna colour in?
Then time was approaching for Ward Round, so I felt pretty anxious.
Have a look at my previous blog post for all the deets, but it’s basically a meeting with a load of Doctors – including my consultant – and they decide how to move forward.
I had to tell them EVERYTHING that’s gone on basically in my life ever. All the shit stuff.
Long story short, I am being kept here for a full psychiatric assessment, which is probably going to be a few weeks. I’m really pleased with that though, because my diagnosis needs assessing (I am borderline – no doubt – but there may be more going on than that. If they find that there is, then that can be worked on). I have also been referred to some psychologically trained nurses and Occupational Therapy. They will help me learn new skills and coping strategies, and basically help me re-wire my brain a bit.
It’s been agreed that I can go out in to the grounds with a staff member, so that’s nice cuz I’ve not been out since I got here.
I asked for anti-depressants, but they said that for now they’re going to keep my meds the same until they can have a good look in to my pharmaceutical history, and see how I present on the ward.
After that, I felt pretty positive. My parents were around, and it was good to have a bit of a chat to them.
Feels like things are moving forward. There’s a bit of hope.
Then I got really fucking sad.
I knew that yesterday was February 24th, and that meant something to me, but I couldn’t remember what.
And then it clicked.
It was the bar’s 8th birthday.
I have worked at the bar for over 5 years, and even though it’s been super stressing me out the past few months, I love that place more than pretty much anywhere in the world. I genuinely don’t think that anyone could possibly love the bar more than I do. I have so many happy memories there. It’s where I’ve met most of my friends – staff and customers alike – and of course, it’s where I met my love.
My whole life is that place.
I remember our birthday last year. The whole crew (fucking dream team as well btw) was there, and we had a photo together behind the bar. Some of our regulars bought in cakes with the bar’s logo on (including vegan ones, because they are so thoughtful). We all had beers, and hung out, and just had a wonderful day – a proper celebration of our team and our customers.
All of a sudden, I felt this overwhelming wave of homesickness, and got really teary.
One of the nurses (Jess) took me in to the sensory room (which has beanbags and lava lampy things and stuff). She said we can all celebrate when I get out, and when I get back to work (loads of other people sent me messages like that too, including my area manager, which was nice). I said to Jess the nurse, I just don’t see how things could ever be like that again. I had such a wonderful life, and I’ve fucked it all up. I had a great job, wonderful friends, and the man of my dreams by my side. She reminded me that I haven’t necessarily lost any of those things, but like I said, this place does things to you – not seeing or hearing from people – it just feels like all is lost.
It’s that black and white thing again – because things aren’t necessarily present right now, I’ve lost them. I’ll never have them again.
I said that I was heartbroken that we’d forgotten all about it and that there was no celebration – she made a very good point, that I would probably feel much worse if there was a celebration and I was missing it.
I like to think that there was a group of people at the end of the bar though, having some beers, and generally enjoying this wonderful place that we have all built together.
I had some PRN sedation at that point. I’ve decided to stop using it just when I’m having a crisis, and to use it when I see things going downhill, that way crises can be avoided rather than reacted to.
I know I can’t use diazepam as a crutch forever, but atm I just don’t know how to cope, so until I do, this is how I’m guna play it. It feels good to have made that decision, like taking some of the power in to my own hands, recognising my triggers, and reacting before things get out of hand.
Dinner was wedges and BREADED CHICKEN STEAKS. They were a bit funny about it when I asked for 2, but honestly, I could have eaten like 8. I’ve been known to cook a whole bag of 22 chicken dippers, put them in a bowl, drown them in hot sauce, and have them like a hot sauce chicken soup. I say I’ve been known to do it, it’s actually a regular occurrence.
I fucking love chicken.
After that, I took myself in to my room and wrote a list of things I’ll never take for granted ever again (aerosols, toilet seats, chicken…). I’ll probably publish it soon, but I keep thinking of more things, so it’s a work in progress for now. But it started to super bum me out – probably a stupid thing to do to think about all of the things that I miss when I was feeling homesick.
So I eventually put on Drag Race. That helped, but I kept getting distracted by my phone. I was feeling so homesick that all I wanted to do really was talk to my friends.
Got some more PRN once the night shift came on, but had to queue up for like 20 minutes because shouty lady was doing her shouty thing, so she got to skip the queue.
Whoever shouts the loudest…
According to Daylio (my mood tracking app), yesterday was my most consistent day.
The 5 colours I work on are bright green, light green, yellow, orange, and red.
I didn’t have any bright green (great) moods yesterday, but I didn’t have any red (awful) either.
No red for the first time since a week ago I started tracking my mood every couple of hours.
A day without a crisis.
After that, I watched a bit more Drag Race, and then tried to go to sleep without a sleeping pill (for the first time in a while). I wish I hadn’t. It was just me alone with my spiralling thoughts, and I couldn’t switch them off. I definitely saw 1AM, even though I turned my light out at 11, and I kept waking up loads in the night.
My dreams were good as well too, which is really difficult atm. My love and I were moving in to my new flat (which was the actual plan before all this kicked off), although for some reason it was my husband’s family home – like the home of my in-laws. They had this fucking massive Norwegian Forest Cat too, which they’d always kept locked in this massive secret bathroom, and I was like HOW DID I NEVER KNOW YOU HAD THIS BEAUTIFUL ANIMAL AND WHY WOULD YOU KEEP IT SHUT IN THE BATHROOM?!
Dunno wtf that’s about.
I also went on a hen do with all my girlfriends, and we got to do 2 things that I’ve never done before, which I’d really like to do – skydiving and horse riding.
That was nice.
That was when I woke up, realised none of it was real, and I’m here.