First and foremost, the end to my last blog entry was horrific.
I’m really sorry about that.
That night, I had the most wonderful dreams.
My love and I won this competition to either re-locate to Columbus Ohio, or Brisbane. We chose Brisbane, and were super excited about starting our new life together in the sunshine.
Me, being classic impulsive me, hopped on a plane literally straight away, because I had two days off in a row, and just wanted to check it out. That’s about where the dream ends. But when I woke up, it took me a good 30 seconds or so to realise that it wasn’t true.
So that was a pretty shite way to wake up.
I was still so so angry about the night before.
How could I trust the staff? I needed them. I needed to talk to someone, and (most importantly) I needed medication. Because I didn’t get that, I ended up in such an emotional whirlwind, I couldn’t deal with it, and I was so anxious that I scratched myself.
They’d told me to go to them if I needed them, and my parents had said the same.
I did, and the only people who got me any help were other patients.
So I stayed in bed all morning.
I missed breakfast.
I missed lunch.
I refused to move.
I just didn’t see the point.
I was told that this was the best place for me, and that they would help me to get well, but just because I don’t shout the loudest or have the most scars on my arms, I get ignored.
I didn’t listen to music, because I didn’t want to. But I had my earplugs in because I could hear the music coming from the communal area, and some of the songs were cutting me deep.
Couple of examples;
Evanescence: My Immortal (about having been there for each other, but now her partner’s dead and she’s alone)
Bruno Mars: Just the way you are (about loving someone just the way they are)
Basically anything about love. They just felt like stabs on my skinless body.
I texted my parents about how I was feeling. I thought I must be in hell. Just stuck here with no one to help me.
One of the nurses came in to talk to me, because my Dad had called the ward. She asked why I was texting my parents and not reaching out to them. I explained what had happened the night before, and told her I couldn’t trust them anymore.
Eventually, my back hurt too much to stay in bed anymore (the mattresses are barely mattresses, they’re plastic hard things), so when someone came to do my 10 minute obs I asked for some pain relief.
I had a look at my mood tracker for a bit and ran some stats, and realised that I generally feel better when I am fed and hydrated, and at that moment I was neither, so I asked for some food and drank some water. I watched a bit of Drag Race too.
Then my parents came, and my Dad was so fucking pissed at me. He was annoyed because I’d been texting for help, but there was nothing he could do from over in Lincolnshire – he said that’s what the staff are here for.
I explained that I did go to them, but no one came.
I told them how alone and abandoned I felt.
My love, my friends that I see every day, the staff, and now my parents – none can cope with being bothered by me. My mum just kept bangin’ on about looking through the clothes that she’d bought me, but nothing could distract me, I was so upset.
My Dad bought in the nurse who I’d spoken to that morning, and we talked about what had happened the night before. It was all really overwhelming, with so many people around, and it was at that moment that they sparked up the fucking karaoke machine.
No, you did not read that wrong – THE KARAOKE MACHINE.
It was so loud, and all the songs were about love, and this woman who yells a lot just kept yelling. I was in complete sensory overload, which happens a lot when I get really stressed. That’s when I tend to dissociate and have really bad times.
I sat there with my hands over my ears, crying, saying I just wanted to go back to my room.
My parents left, the nurse took me back to my room, gave me some sedation, and I put Drag Race back on.
I fell asleep about 10 minutes later, and when I woke up from my nap I felt a bit better. Someone had bought in some sandwiches, which meant I didn’t have to go in to the dining room and be surrounded by people, which I really appreciated.
The nurse who I’d spoken to a couple of times took me in to another room, and we had a bit of a chat about what had gone on and how I was feeling. I was able to verbalise a lot better, empathise with the short staffing situation the night before, and have a bit of a chat about how I used to be a care manager – so I know all about obs, incidents, sharps logs etc etc, which seemed to surprise her.
We also talked about Ward Round the next day – seeing the consultant and the whole team – and about the kinds of things I could maybe benefit from.
I felt a bit better after spending the day resting, and having a chat to the nurse (Jess), but still really reclusive and exhausted.
I made a point of finding the two patients (K & S, who I’d met at lunch the day before) who had helped me the night before and thanking them. They both gave me a hug and asked how I was – they are so lovely. I saw A as well, and she asked me to sit with her and a couple of others. I explained what a bad day I’d had, and said I just wanted to be alone for a bit, but it’s really good to know that others are there.
On my good days, I’m well up for socialising, but when I’m feeling bad, I just want to be alone – that way no one can poke my skinless body by accident.
So I got in to bed, put Drag Race on, ate my (by then stale) sandwiches, a few bags of crisps, and a whole bag of Starmix.
That’s pretty much what happened on Day Eight. A pretty shite day all in all, but I ended in a better place than I started.
In hindsight, I totally did that Borderline thing of ‘splitting’.
The staff weren’t there for me on this one occasion, therefore they aren’t here for me at all.
The staff aren’t weren’t being ‘great’, therefore they’re shit.
One of the staff forgot to hand over to the next shift that I needed help, therefore all the staff are going to forget about me.
I’m having a bad time, therefore I must be in hell.
My parents said they don’t want me to send worrying texts, they want me to seek out the staff instead, therefore they have abandoned me.
My love and I aren’t in contact atm, therefore he has abandoned me. (even though I am the one who explicitly said we needed to break contact for a bit. Fucking idiot my brain is – especially on this one)
My friends who I see every day aren’t acting like they usually would, therefore they’ve abandoned me.
No one has sent me any ‘Get Well’ cards or flowers or anything, therefore no one wants me to get well.
None of my friends have been to visit, therefore they don’t care. (even though I have explicitly told them I’m not ready to see them – again, fucking idiot brain)
The staff didn’t help me this one time, therefore no one can help me at all.
I’ve been told this is the best place for me to get better, but I’m worse today, therefore I can never get better…
Looking back at it rationally and logically, this is all nonsense.
Basically no one can do right for doing wrong.
And those are the kinds of thoughts I need to be able to tackle at the time, I just don’t know how yet.
Went to bed early, ready for a new day.