A WHOLE WEEK IN THE MAD HOUSE!
Watched Drag Race last night, which honestly, I think is the best thing I could be watching right now. All about people being fucking fabulous. And it’s funny. Also, a lot of my friends watch it, so I can text them about it without talking about all the heavy shit going on.
After that, I tried to go to sleep without any meds, and eventually it actually worked. Tossed and turned for ages. Felt pretty sad for a while, had some of those really intrusive thoughts in my mind again, but nowhere near as bad as the night before.
My sleep on the other hand was really fractured, managed to keep my duvet in its cover though. Dead annoying though cuz I have to face the door so they can check every 10 minutes that I’m not dead or going mental (if I don’t, they come in rather than just look through the little jail peep hole), so I can only sleep on one side.
My dreams were fucking harrowing though. I was really upset that I missed my love’s 35th birthday (which is over 2 months away), that I missed Christmas (which is fucking forever away). I think that was a separate dream, probably rolling over from my thoughts just before I dropped off. But then there was some kind of murder where there were loads of bodies. And I mean loads. They were all rotting and kind of melting in to these seats that for some reason had seatbelts (even though wherever it was wasn’t a mode of transport?!). I think it was the night before a wedding. The family who it had happened to had it all cleaned up by the next day (like they did it themselves – dunno if they were trying to cover it up or what). I wore a red floor length dress (my Year 11 prom dress actually), and a matching bright yellow bag and bright yellow shoes (we all know you should never match your dress and bag – it’s just tacky). Anyway, the wedding went ahead as planned, but for some reason I had to sit in the seats where the bodies had been decomposing the night before. Thankfully, I didn’t remember too many of the details, because I’d been drunk, but it was gross to be finding bits of human down the sides of the seats and in the seatbelt clips. So yeh, no idea what the fuck that was about.
Woke up naturally at 8, and shortly after someone came in and asked me if I wanted breakfast, but I’d set an alarm for 8:30 anyway, just in case they didn’t (I’m having really good mornings atm, so wanting to make the most of them – unlike yesterday, when they left me and I overslept).
I set out about 9 to get meds and some water for my coffee. Just caught the tail end of breakfast, where they had SAUSAGES AND BEANS. Because it’s the weekend it’s not just toast and cereal! Even though I never eat until I’ve been awake for at least 2 hours I was like FUCK ME I’M NOT MISSING OUT ON SAUSAGES.
There was an extra pill in my pot, and being the paranoid monster I am atm I was like wtf is that? Apparently it’s Vitamin D, because my bloods showed a deficiency, which is HILARIOUS.
Vitamin D helps regulate the amount of calcium and phosphate in the body. These nutrients are needed to keep bones, teeth and muscles healthy. A lack of vitamin D can lead to bone deformities such as rickets in children, and bone pain caused by a condition called osteomalacia in adults. The body creates vitamin D from direct sunlight on the skin when outdoors.
A few years ago, I got such a bad Vitamin D deficiency that I got a stress fracture. Like, I went on a Park Run, and my metatarsal just broke.
I get no sunlight.
I am a vampire.
A bone crumbly vampire.
Just a sack of blood and muscle, with a load of crumbly bones in it – like soup with croutons in it.
After that, I got up and dressed proper (jeans again), and actually remembered to put my deodorant on (they have to keep it in a locked box, so I keep forgetting to ask for it and then getting really smelly).
Then I spent ages and ages texting my friends, which I’ve not really done recently.
Chatted to some of them about how I’m feeling and what’s been going on, but mostly it was just random shite. That was really nice. Everyone wants to talk about how I’m feeling and how I’m doing atm. It’s quite nice to just talk about pointless crap, just like normal.
My brother and sister in law are coming this afternoon, and I asked them to bring a game or something, so instead of just sitting there and talking we can play something – just have a generally nice time, rather than ‘how are you feeling’ *head tilt*.
After that I spent loads of time jazzing up my website. Got some leopard print on there. Obvs.
Went and sat out in the communal area a bit before lunch. Had a chat to one of the nurses. Everyone in the communal area was either asleep or shouting though, so wasn’t really too much fun.
Lunch was jacket potatoes, with literally nothing to go on them, which was odd. Or the blandest macaroni cheese I’ve ever had.
I got in first and went and sat at a table which filled up, but with super quiet people. After I’d finished, I saw a table of 3 who I’d sussed out seemed alright, so went and sat with them. K, S & A. They were all really nice to chat to, and said they are all there for each other and they can be there for me too, so that was really good. I’m glad I stayed, cuz it would have been dead easy to go back to my room as soon as I’d finished.
They said that things on the ward are a bit tense right now because there are some really difficult people who’ve just been admitted in the last week, but that the three of them are alright and have been there a while. They said that they sometimes like to spend time together, but respect if each other want to be left alone. I feel a lot better having met some other patients who I can actually talk to and spend some time with, because I got that on my last ward pretty much straight away, and it’s something I’ve really missed the past couple of days.
Had a bit of time after lunch to do some writing, and then my brother and sister in law came to visit. They were here for a whole hour (my longest visit so far).
They’d bought some games, but instead we just chatted and ate Haribo. It was nice, again, to talk about things that aren’t necessarily the shit times and how things are going for me now, but to hear all about how my brother locked the cat in the dining room for 10 hours by accident, so she tried to burrow out and fucked up their brand new carpet in their brand new house.
Did a lot more writing after they left.
Lots more thinking.
Lots more insights.
Have a read of my previous post if you’re interested.
I was front of the queue for dinner, cuz I knew that my best friend from school was arriving at 5ish. I hadn’t wanted to let myself get excited about it, but she was definitely on her way, and I was so excited! She lives in Liverpool, and was on her way back from spending the night in Peterborough.
She is amazing.
She has been at the end of the phone every step of the way for the past 3 weeks.
She has been my absolute rock, and it was so so good to see her.
We actually talked mostly about the ‘heavy’ stuff, but it all felt OK (I just hope I didn’t harrow her too much). We talked about how things have been, the shit that’s gone down, and how awful I feel about having hurt so many people along the way. It was the complete opposite to my visit earlier on in the day, which was so ‘light’.
She’s known me for over 20 years, and knows me better than pretty much anyone. She can see how committed I am to this, how desperate I am to get well, and she believes that with hard work I can do that, which means the world to me.
When she left, I felt really sad. I don’t know when I’m going to see her again.
It was a double blow too, because when I went back on to my phone, I had a Facebook notification saying that my love (who I am not in contact with at present) had posted a picture (changed my settings after this happened btw).
I obviously couldn’t not look, because that would have driven me even more mental. So, I looked, and now I know that he’s out drinking with his pals.
I’m really happy that he’s relaxing, and having a good time. He deserves it so much. But because my brain isn’t very well atm, it can’t help but spiral to the ‘what ifs’, and come up with all the worst-case scenarios. I tried to apply the REST strategy that I learned in my book yesterday, but it doesn’t really work in this instance, I don’t think?
I relaxed. I stepped away from the situation. I distracted myself.
I evaluated. He’s having a good time with his friends, that’s a good thing.
I tried to set an intention. But I don’t know what that could possibly be?
And then I can’t put that intention in to action, because I don’t know what it is.
This is why we need space, because my brain just can’t cope atm. Every time something pops up that could even remotely hurt me (and the thought of how much I hurt him, especially to the point that I could lose him, really really hurts me), then I panic. My mind starts doing backflips, it freaks itself out, and it’s almost like it short-circuits.
Also, I miss him so so so much.
I miss him more than I thought anyone could ever possibly miss anyone, or anything, in the whole world.
So I was feeling sad for 2 reasons, and exhausted, and I’ve been having bad evenings anyway, and I was experiencing these intrusive thoughts.
My parents had told me to go to the nurses if this happened, so I did. I asked for some medication, and a chat, but mostly medication. I told them how upset and anxious I was (also it was also, pretty fucking clear).
They sat me back in my room, and said someone would be along soon. They popped back a couple of times to say the same.
One hour and twenty minutes later, no one had been. It was way too late by then. I stood out in the corridor, and 2 of my friends who I’d met at lunch came to get a nurse for me.
I agreed to come here so they would keep me safe.
They did not keep me safe.
They ignored me.
They forgot about me.
I cannot trust them.
There is nowhere for me.
I am done.