Woke up before the nurses even came round at 7. The first thing I did was to text my love and let him know that I need complete radio silence for a bit. I’ve been fixating so much on our relationship that I haven’t been able to focus on me. It’s exactly what everyone’s been saying, but it was really empowering to take that power in to my own hands and come to that decision by myself. If I know my love, he will really respect me for that, and be proud – at least I really hope so. I let him know that by no means am I giving up on us, quite the opposite. He is my person, and I need to be healthy for him if there is a shred of hope for us, which I very much believe that there is.
So that’s a line drawn under that for now.
Had some breakfast, meds, washed my hair, PUT SOME MAKEUP ON, and my motherfuckin’ rainbow dungarees.
Everyone says that I look and that I’m acting completely different. And they’re right. I feel different too. Just as an example, yesterday I spent all day listening to Machine Fucking Head, whereas today it’s been all about empowering female pop. But tbh I’m a bit concerned, because the higher I get the further there is to fall… But for now, I feel OK (I wrote this segment just after lunch…)
I’ll do a proper post about my diagnosis at some point, but everyone thinks that Bipolar Disorder, aka ‘Manic Depression’, (which the Drs are still umming and ahhing about) is where you’re super happy one minute, and then super irritable/depressed the next….
IT IS NOT!
That is Borderline Personality Disorder.
Bipolar is where you have months of depression, followed by months of mania (which isn’t ‘being happy’, it’s something different entirely). Like I said, my Dad (the ex-consultant psychiatrist) has mentioned it before, it’s something I’ve always personally thought, and it’s something a lot of other healthcare professionals have talked about.
Anyway, gone well off track here. Basically, I had a really good morning.
Once I was all dressed and sorted out, I took part in Yoga.
And oh my, was that an experience and a half.
That’s right. I was that absolute dickhead – with green hair, wearing fucking rainbow dungarees, doing Yoga on a psych ward. At first, she got some essential oils and rubbed them over our hands, then we did a lot of breathing and body awareness, moving on to legit yoga poses. It was generally really good, I’d definitely do it again. I actually found myself being able to clear my mind in a way that’s not just absorbing myself in writing, mood tracking, or talking to people. The only part that was really difficult was at the end when she asked us to breathe in a violet colour, hold it for four seconds, let it absorb all of the things that are not going to serve us well today, and then exhale them. Sounds like fucking bullshit I know, but it was really powerful, and really painful to let go of the things that aren’t going to serve me well today, because I know very well what those things are, and I want to cling on to them because that’s my habit – my comfort blanket.
After that, lovely lovely Lesley took me down to the cash point at the main entrance. That way I can buy stuff off the trolley and get some takeaway with my new pals. We talked a lot about what led me here and how full on my life can be in the city. She showed me the canteen, the shop, and the chapel (just cuz it’s a really nice quiet space), because hopefully I’ll be able to get some unescorted leave soon. That’ll be really good. Like as an example after lunch I looked at my favourite sofa (which is in a corridor), and S was sitting on it, the TV room was full, someone was sleeping in my dorm and all the lights were off, so I went to sit in the ‘ladies lounge’ to do some writing. After about 10 minutes someone needed the room because they were having an incident, so now I’m sitting in the dining room, under fluorescent lights, and people keep coming and going. Would be nice to be able to head out to the canteen for the afternoon, and just be able to have a bit of privacy.
Lunch was fine. And like I said, after that I set out to do some writing. After a while, P came and found me. We spent the whole entire afternoon talking, about seemingly absolutely everything. Some of it got pretty deep. It was pretty full on, but I really enjoyed it. They also sang for me, showed me a load of their artwork, their wigs they have at home (cuz they’re fucking fabulous), their cats, and just generally chatted about ourselves and our lives. The whole time though, they were really excited because their boyfriend was coming to visit them for the first time in three weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I was super happy for them, but it was such a painful reminder of the situation that I’m in, especially after this morning.
After dinner, after they left, I had a proper dip (again – evening is a really bad time for me apparently). I had another chat to lovely lovely Lesley, where we realised that I’ve kind of double burned myself out. I ended burning myself out in the city, and now I’m burning myself out here, because unless I’m writing or mood tracking I feel like I’m just being lazy and not working hard enough to get well. Lesley helped me to realise that I need to relax too, and take some time to rest.
So, I tried to do that, and it was a bit of a rollercoaster.
I played some Risk, and that worked really well. Then I watched some Netflix, which was also good, but by the time I came to go to sleep I was so lonely and my thoughts were just whirring round and round my head – leaping to all of the worst conclusions (honestly, some of the things I convinced myself of were fucking wild – at least I hope they were, they probably aren’t actually, knowing my luck). So I lay there and had a big cry, missing my giant human (he’s over a foot taller than me, but he’s always my little spoon). Even just thinking about how sad and lonely I felt brings a tear to my eyes this morning.
I also know how much what happened last year (where someone violated me in my flat, in my sleep) affected me too, and that really gets me subconsciously. I never even told anyone about it until I blogged it, except maybe my sister in law (I don’t really remember), and eventually my boyfriend a few weeks ago. But since that incident, getting to sleep has been so so hard for me, especially in the dark. I definitely need to work on that.
Anyway, I ended up working myself up in to a frenzy that I needed a sleeping tablet and a sedative to get anything even resembling sleep.
Told you I’d crash hard.