Woke up after a mental long night’s sleep.
Breakfast – 2 x white toast with butter and a coffee.
After that I asked around a bit about what was going to happen with the day. I wondered if there were any activities going on at all, or how to occupy my time, because I was really determined to not just sleep/wallow and to start making those productive changes. I was told there would be arts & crafts at some point, and that I was booked in for Ward Round at 2PM. I went in to the TV room after that, and found out who won The Masked Singer, which my boyfriend and I had been watching together. Even a reminder like that, something that small and stupid really hurt. It’s not even that I don’t have a thick skin at the moment, I have no skin. I am literally just muscle, bone, and blood.
Everything’s still a bit of a blur, but I think after that I started to write a lot. I sat in the dining room on my own, like at a desk, and that was quite nice. Eventually A came and started talking to me (because of his Asperger’s he can’t read the social queues of headphones-in-laptop-on-don’t-talk-to-me, but it was actually really nice). We had a chat just us two for probably about half an hour about his diagnosis, mine, our lives, music tastes etc, and how we’re finding things in here. Last time I was here, I didn’t talk to anyone. And I mean absolutely no one. I completely shut myself off from everyone except the medical staff, and only spoke to them when I absolutely had to. This time is so different already. And I think, nay – I know, that that’s because I’m ready to change.
Lunch time was the first meal that I’d got to choose myself (you fill out a menu card every day for what you want to eat tomorrow), and today was Shepherd’s Pie. I had the choice of whether to have it with chips or mashed potato, so I had a Shepherd’s Pie with extra fucking mashed potato. Most I’ve eaten in well over a week. I’ve also remembered my old trick of ordering cheese & crackers for every single dessert, then you save them and eat them as a bedtime snack, because there is literally no food served after 5PM. Fucking genius.
After lunch I went to sit on my bed for a bit. I turned the light on in the dorm, because I was the only person there. Shortly after, S (the woman who came in to my beds space and accused me of stealing her shit) came in, turned all the lights off, and closed the curtains (she’s sitting next to me on the sofa literally right now actually – she will not leave me alone!). The staff told her off, and then she just sat on her bed chuntering about what a bitch I am and how I’m causing trouble for everyone. So I got up and left. I’m not scared of her. It’s just really annoying to have my personal space constantly invaded. I literally cannot escape her. It’s also piss annoying that she insists on having the light off in the dorm all the time. But I’ll get to that later.
Met the lady who does Arts & Crafts called Dawn. She helped me to start making a self-soothing(?) box? We talked a bit while I was gluing bits of glitter (obvs) over this shoe box about what’s been going on recently, and the types of things it might help to put in there – bubble bath, puzzles, poems, photos, other things that I’m not sure will help me, but hey – when I was called for Ward Round.
Ward Round is where you meet with a team of Doctors, Nurses, Therapists etc to discuss your treatment. Today was with a consultant (who has seen me before), another Doctor, a nurse that I know, and an Occupational Therapist (OT). They didn’t really say much tbh, it was me just recounting my stressful, painful tale again. AGAIN. Hopefully that’s the last time I have to do it, but I doubt it… They said they were going to start Distress Tolerance Therapy ASAP, so that’s good to know, because that’s the thing I’ve been on an NHS waiting list for for over 2 years.
After that, I was just exhausted and sad, so I went for a nap. I was woken up by an aerosol being sprayed everywhere, a lot of shouting, staff forcing their way in to a bathroom, and the sound of screaming and crying. Bloody S had just gone bat shit with this aerosol, so I had to wake up and go somewhere that didn’t stink of antiperspirant. As it turns out, A & P were sitting in the dining room. We put the world to rights about genders, sexuality, pan/bi, which bathrooms people should use, and all that kind of stuff.
I got a new tablet yesterday. I’d been meaning to for a while, and I think it’s really helpful right now to have a device I can play games/watch things on without worrying about WhatsApp/Insta/FB notifications etc. Spent a while setting that up, which wasn’t without its stresses as the WiFi here is beyond shite.
I made a random choice for dinner. Jacket potato with chicken curry on it. Still not sure how I feel about that.
Shortly after that, my brother and sister in law came to visit me. They bought me 4L of diet coke, 4L of diet lemonade, loads of crisps, some cookies and some Starmix. Fucking legends! They also bought me an adaptor so I can use my headphones in my tablet (because it’s USBC – like wtf??), a plastic cup of my own (no glass), and a night light (pictured).
Oh. My. God.
I am in love with the night light.
It is battery powered (because it can’t have a cord), it is plastic (because it cannot be glass), and it is glittery, and it is beautiful. More than that, it has given me the ability to sit in my bed space after the sun goes down without being in pretty much pitch black, so I love it so so so so much.
Spent a bit of time sorting out where I was going to put my multitude of snacks, and now I’m sitting out in the communal area for a bit. Again, seeing my family was super triggering – bought back loads of memories of how life has been over the past few weeks, and just ended up filling my head full of questions of work, friends, and obviously my boyfriend. I feel much safer right now sitting in a communal space. Even though I’m on 10 minute obs (someone checking on me every 10 minutes 24 hours a day), I know that if I sit on my bed right now I’ll just end up wallowing with my thoughts spiralling out of control.
That is progress.
I’m pretty exhausted though, so am going to have some kind of contraband cheese/cracker snack and try and sleep.